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Jokes - clean if you can

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Thu, May 19 2016 10:03 AM (70 replies)
  • hpurey
    11,505 Posts
    Tue, Oct 13 2015 6:18 AM

    A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

  • hpurey
    11,505 Posts
    Tue, Oct 20 2015 6:33 AM

    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

    The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says,"Error. Not long enough."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal? 
    A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

     

     

     

  • alosso
    21,038 Posts
    Tue, Oct 20 2015 10:41 AM

    Husband and wife sit together, celebrating their silver wedding (25 years).

    After two beers and a lot of silence, the guy says:

    "Had I killed you back then, I'd be free now!"

    (German law applies where life sentence for murder frequently ends after 15 years).

  • hpurey
    11,505 Posts
    Tue, Oct 20 2015 11:01 AM

    alosso:

    After two beers and a lot of silence, the guy says:

    "Had I killed you back then, I'd be free now!"

    LOL  I can only imagine what he might say after a few more beers.  

  • mathia14
    1,271 Posts
    Tue, Oct 20 2015 12:28 PM
    THE OLDER WE GET, THE WISER WE BECOME 
       
    We took down our Rebel flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
     
    We disconnected our home alarm system and quit our Neighborhood Watch.
     
    We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center.
     
    Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service, and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
     

     

    We've never felt safer, and we're saving $49.95 a month.
  • mathia14
    1,271 Posts
    Tue, Oct 20 2015 1:53 PM

    What do you get when you have 65,000 screaming Packer fans in Lambeau Field?

     

     

     

    A full set of teeth.

  • mathia14
    1,271 Posts
    Tue, Oct 20 2015 1:55 PM

    Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Wisconsin?  If it was anywhere else, I'd would have be called a teethbrush.

  • hpurey
    11,505 Posts
    Thu, Nov 5 2015 7:59 AM

    A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"


    The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:


    1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
    3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde
    woman with a black belt in Karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is
    blonde and is a proffesional
    weightlifter.
    5. The lady to your right is a blonde
    and is a proffesional wretler.


    Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

     

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

  • PaulTon
    10,731 Posts
    Thu, Nov 12 2015 3:41 AM

    A snowman was barred from my local Tesco's store .

    He was caught in the veggie aisle, picking his nose!

     

     

  • ostfriedel
    2,050 Posts
    Thu, Nov 12 2015 3:54 AM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ipyj9ZQKWtw

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