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Jokes - clean if you can

• JGCatt65 23 Posts

  Fri, Jan 15 2016 8:12 AM

  Two mates walkin' down the street, they see a dog lickin' his balls, the one guy says, "I wish I could do that." His mate replies, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"

  What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?... One is heavy, the other is a little lighter.

  What's the difference between Ignorance and Apathy? "I don't know and I don't care."
  

• craigswan 31,028 Posts

  Sat, Jan 16 2016 8:45 AM

  There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

  "If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one?" she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. "You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

  She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked,
  "If I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
  The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try.
  Your a blonde!
  Now give me back my dog.

• craigswan 31,028 Posts

  Sat, Jan 16 2016 8:47 AM

  This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired
  of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are
  perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her
  husband that blondes really are smart.
  
  While her husband is off at work, she decides that she
  is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next
  day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
  down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at
  5:30 and smells the distinctive smells of paint.
  
  He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on
  the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
  wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
  He goes over and asks her is she is ok.
  She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.
  
  She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde
  women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
  
  He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
  
  She replies that she was reading the directions
  on the paint can and they said
  For best results, put on two coats.

• craigswan 31,028 Posts

  Sat, Jan 16 2016 8:50 AM

  A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news.
  A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.

  The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off
  that building and commits suicide." The blonde thinks for a moment then
  replies: "OK, you're on!" They watch for a few minutes and sure enough,
  the man jumps off the ledge.

  The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her,
  saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that
  I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would
  jump.

  The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't
  think he'd jump off again!"

• mathia14 1,271 Posts

  Mon, Jan 18 2016 5:48 AM

  It's so cold..........

   

  How cold is it?

   

  It's so cold, people are standing next to Hillary.

   

  It's so cold, the Republicans have their hands in their own pockets.

• craigswan 31,028 Posts

  Sun, Jan 24 2016 7:08 AM

  

• craigswan 31,028 Posts

  Thu, Jan 28 2016 4:13 AM

  I was walking down the street when i saw a sign in a shop window .

  TV for sale - very cheap - broken volume knob .

  I thought to myself - I cannot turn that down .

• bubbsboy 6,879 Posts

  Thu, Jan 28 2016 5:45 AM

  ^^^^^^ love it.

  Called to see my dwarf butcher today.

  I said "i bet you cant pass me that meat down off the top shelf"

  "Nah, the steaks are too high" he said

• craigswan 31,028 Posts

  Thu, Jan 28 2016 2:04 PM

  A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'

• craigswan 31,028 Posts

  Thu, Jan 28 2016 2:06 PM

  My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'.