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Jokes - clean if you can

• mathia14 1,271 Posts

  Tue, Oct 6 2015 8:07 AM

  The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

   

  
  After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

   

  
  The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

   

   

  The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better..

  The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

   

  
  Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

   

   

  A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

   

  (..I JUST LOVE THIS PART....)

   

   

  "Nothing, but you left your *** runnin!"

• ct690911 7,195 Posts

  Tue, Oct 6 2015 8:10 AM

  A Duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for Chap stick....the clerks asks if it will be cash or charge?...the Duck responds; "Just put it on my Bill"

  ....sigh

• mathia14 1,271 Posts

  Tue, Oct 6 2015 8:12 AM

  A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

   

  The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

• mathia14 1,271 Posts

  Tue, Oct 6 2015 8:14 AM

  On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.  In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.  This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

   

  Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.  It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what e'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

   

  Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.  Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

   

  She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

   

  Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, if I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

   

  That's when she shot him.

   

   

  You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

• hpurey 11,505 Posts

  Tue, Oct 6 2015 8:36 AM

  A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

  The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

  The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

• hpurey 11,505 Posts

  Tue, Oct 6 2015 8:39 AM

  An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

• hpurey 11,505 Posts

  Tue, Oct 6 2015 8:42 AM

  A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

• ThreeSpot 476 Posts

  Tue, Oct 6 2015 1:16 PM

  A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

  He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

  She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

  “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

  She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
  1) You have to be single and
  2) You must be Catholic.”

  The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

  “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

  The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

  “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

  “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

  The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

• CanineSupervisor 1,882 Posts

  Tue, Oct 6 2015 3:09 PM

  hpurey:

  A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

  Good one, H...lmfao !

• craigswan 30,988 Posts

  Mon, Oct 12 2015 12:58 PM

  1. Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says “Hey did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!”. The other cow replies “Good thing I’m a helicopter.”