The President of the United States was in
the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone
"Hallo, Mr. President" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove,
Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially
declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," the President replied, "This is
indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moment’s calculation
"there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the
whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
The President paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have
one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya
back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. President, the
war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?” the President
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's
The President sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army
to one and a half million since we last spoke."
Lard T'underin' bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "Mr. President,
the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an'
modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
The President was silent for a minute then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter
planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO
"Jumpins," said Archie,” I’ll have ta call youse
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "Mr. President!
I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said the President. "Why
the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down
and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no
way we can feed two million prisoners…