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Paging " Dear Pabby "

Tue, Feb 20 2024 9:06 AM (59 replies)
  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Thu, Mar 7 2019 4:00 AM

    Dear craig ,

    Thanks for your e-mail. Unfortunately we do not have this type
    of info available. .



    Sorry we can t be more positive on this occasion.
    Charlie
    Cadbury Consumer Relations Department

  • drmoose
    3,532 Posts
    Tue, Mar 12 2019 1:48 PM

    Dear Craig,

     I must say you seem to be extremely well qualified for the role of WGT's Advice Columnist. I'm quite surprised that more people have not sought out your unique plethora of problem solving talents. Dare I say that some of your revelations have an almost  "Lizziesque" aire about them, that harkens back to a forum time when the absurd was preferred, indeed, there may be hope yet. Carry on my good man. I'm sure, that I for one, will be seeking your advice again soon.

    Doc :)

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Wed, Mar 13 2019 12:42 AM

    Thank you sir .

    To be even mentioned in the same sentence as lizzie fills me with joy .

    Alas poor lizzie .

    I am but her apprentice gofer .

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Wed, Mar 13 2019 12:53 AM

    Quicken Loans Golf GIF - QuickenLoans Golf HoleInOne GIFs

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Wed, Mar 13 2019 4:58 AM

    To .

    MR NICK READ .

    VODAPHONE .

    ACCOUNT NUMBER 2340_ _ _

    Dear nick ,

    I am writing to you as a vodaphone customer who is completely at the end of his tether .

    I need your help nick .

    I have started dreaming about you .I wonder what you look like . I hope you can be my savior .

    I want you to be nick but i check my inclusive minutes and i realise you are not .

    I have checked my voice mail to see if you have called me back but you haven't nick .

    I want to die .

    I loathe writing but i need to write to you nick as the alternative is commiting suicide . A suicide you would read about in next month's mobile news magazine .

    My suicide note would burn in your retina like a overheated nokia  6120 all constructed via predictive text .

    I wanted a sharer plan - 3000 minutes per user with free calls and texts per month.

    I was promised this all nick. The world was my oyster .Vodaphone was my madonna.

    We were flirting nick . And there was nothing the world could do about it .

    You wanted longer commitment nick  . But i said no .

    Give me time . Let's take it slow . 

    Let's not rush it . I want to give you my heart but i am unsure how google maps works on my nokia .

    We agreed 12 month's .

    You see you can barely grasp the the concept of phoning people back .

    I keep getting rerouted by the fickle finger of fate .

    This morning i was like a little boy at christmas when your little white box package arrived .I wanted to see my savings but my heart was ripped out nick . I was overcharged £500.

    My heart was ripped out .What kind of sharer plan was this . Sharing with the whole street perhaps .

    Vodaphone is becoming a massive corporate tennis ball , bouncing about the globalised courts . And i do not even like tennis . Well since andy murray retired .

    I immediately contacted your team They would make you stick pineapple in your eye's .

    I was escalated from one member to another . I love that word escalated . 

    I'm free as a bird nick . I'm walking on air .I'm singing in the rain .

    NO- wait a minute i'm not .

    I'm walking on broken glass nick . My feet are ripped to shreds .

    Then out of the blue madonna sent me a credit . I  nearly sh it myself .

    The cheque has not arrived in the post yet nick .

    Apparently madonna had an accident at work and was ill .

    Did she trip over a sharer plan nick .

    A month later when i did get to speak to her she comments that she had been in meetings and whatever .

    She never did phone me back .

    So i give up nick .

    I will be circulating this letter on all my game sites .

    You say you are looking through several lense's including a hospitality lens to protect vodaphone's reputation .

    I suggest you change your lenses nick .

    The one's you have on are fuc ked .

     

     

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Thu, Mar 14 2019 1:20 PM

    TO .

    CRAIGTOWN HOSPITAL- JUST OUTSIDE ST.ANDREWS .

    I would like to complain about a visit I had to your Accdent & Emergency  department on friday the 13th .. Sorry in advance for my language, but this really upset me.

    That morning  I fell and knew I broke something (turns out I broke my elbow) so I went to craigtown ,  accident and emergency.

    I came armed with a book to help me pass the waiting time! Actually enjoying the fact that I am going to get to read a book for a chance! The new 2001 jokes to read on the toilet has just been released .

    But no… the bloody nurse sees me in six minutes! Six ruddy minutes! All I had time for was to send a text, settle down, get my glasses out and find the right page, and they bloody call me in!

    She then sends me to have an X-ray and says I need to sit in the X-ray waiting room. Yay, I think, a waiting room – I will get to read my book!

    And so I don’t even bother to put anything back in the bag and happily skip to the X-ray waiting area, book in hand and glasses on top of head. I sit down and get seen within 37 seconds. The ba***rds.

    All done and dusted and five minutes later I skip to the next waiting area to wait for the next nurse to see me.

    By that point I think I owe myself a chocolate from the vending machine but waste five minutes trying to make it work (it didn’t – at least there is one thing you can count on in this Accident & Emergency !)

     I then sit down comfortably, happy in the notion that surely, now… I will get at least a couple of chapters… but no!

    Two minutes later I get to see the next nurse who is an absolute gem and is super nice, she explains everything, gives me a sling, and a tetanus shot and sends me on my way home! Home! Bloody rubbish!

    I left home and came back in less than two hours! Seriously! Something must be done about this! What is a guy to do in order to get a few hours of quiet reading in this country???!!!

    Sincerely yours,

    P.S. You rock! .

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Wed, Jun 12 2019 12:07 AM

    I need some advice please .

    My hairdresser is 26 and absolutely gorgeous .

    Just been married for 2 years .

    But a month ago he hit her and she left him .

    Anyway last night i went for a quick trim and she was all over me like a rash .

    You know - pressing against me - more touching than is necessary - tears - cuddles .

    Anyway my question is .

    Do you think i should ask her to trim my eye brows . Her hands are shaking and i am worried she might poke an eye out .

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Wed, Jun 12 2019 4:33 AM

    Just back from my vacation .

    I have a few complaints though .

    It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.

    It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

    There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.

    I asked to move rooms as my whole family insisted there was a strange buzzing coming from the air conditioner. After moving rooms, the noise was discovered to be an electric toothbrush in my suitcase.

    Although the brochure said that there was a fully-equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.

    They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for me.

    I just wanted to relax.

    It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us. I'm sure I've stayed in this hotel room in a previous life..

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Wed, Jun 12 2019 5:02 AM

    Dear Mr Branson

    REF: Mumbai to Heathrow .

    I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

    Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

    Look at this Richard. Just look at it: 

    I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the dessert?

    You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a dessert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a dessert with peas in:

    I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the  first meal  might be the dessert after all.

    Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started dessert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

    I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

    Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

    Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

    Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

    By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation: 

    It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

    I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

    Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:

    Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

    My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:

    Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

    Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

    So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

    As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

    Yours Sincererly

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Tue, Feb 20 2024 9:06 AM

    Paging Dear Pabby .

    I have a friend on world golf tour who used to be happy and liked a laugh on these forums but recently things have changed .

    He campaigns endlessly for these forums to be shut down and now i hear he is collecting signatures to send to President Biden . That is very strange too as he is a republican .

    Anyway i have a relative in Florida called Hugo who has a six seater freight aircraft who occasionally makes a trip to Cuba to release some of their stocks of medical marijuana .

    I know some states that have made this legal but i am not sure about up north .

    Do you think if our friend Hugo hired a drone for the day he could accept a small parachute delivery to make his days less fraught .

    I am not sure of his street number but surely his neighbourhood watch or the local police would take an interest .

    He just needs some cheering up .

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