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Paging " Dear Pabby "

Tue, Feb 20 2024 9:06 AM (59 replies)
  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Mon, Feb 18 2019 1:38 PM

    Dear  linda ,

    What a pickle you have got yourself into it over nothing. .

    Use lots of margarine for starters to make sure your slice is not too dry.

    When it comes to sausages I would always recommend a chipolata over a Cumberland at this early stage. It's not as filling to start with, but you will thank me for it later.

    Have you thought about a cuppa soup .

    sincerely craig .


  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Mon, Feb 18 2019 1:42 PM

    Dear craig ,

    I am a happily married woman of 40 who loves her husband of 20 years very much. We have an active and fulfilling sex life but for some time now my hubby Bob has been asking me if I would be interested in wife swapping.

    Personally it gave me the shivers but, because I love him dearly, I eventually gave in, and so my husband invited around our friends Jack and Laura for the night. We opened a bottle of wine, and one thing led to another until at the end of the night Bob swapped me for a complete set of 1970 Mexico World Cup medallions from Esso, a set of tumblers and 4,000 Embassy cigar  coupons..

    Is this right? I would have thought I was at least worth a decanter set.

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Mon, Feb 18 2019 1:46 PM

    Dear unsigned ,

    it’s always reassuring to find out you are not the only person in the neighbourhood who still thinks artex ceilings are just the thing..

     But, as I always say, nothing ventured, nothing gained!

    Having seen the photograph you sent in with your letter I think your husband actually got a very good deal.

    Could you put him in touch? I have an old sofa I need to flog and I really need to raise some cash.

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Mon, Feb 18 2019 1:55 PM

    Dear craig ,

    I go out drinking with my girl pals every night after work. We tend to get really hammered down the pub and afterwards pick up blokes in Pitta the Great before heading off for a quick knee trembler in the nearest alleyway.

    I don’t like to speak with my mouth full but I usually get a free kebab.

    Do you have any tips on how to get chilli sauce stains out of your crop top?

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Mon, Feb 18 2019 1:56 PM

    Is that what modern womanhood has come too?

    Try  - Vanish .

  • bubbsboy
    6,879 Posts
    Mon, Feb 18 2019 2:49 PM

    Dear Craig

    When i was out in the garden pruning my roses yesterday my neighbours wife was cleaning her windows in just her bra and pants. She was blowing kisses and beckoning me in with her index finger.

    My question is..."do i prune at an angle above an outer facing bud"




  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Mon, Feb 18 2019 3:20 PM

    Oh yes .

    Do you not have a girlfriend you can ask .

    Now that spring has sprung you will find these index fingers sprouting up all over .

    Yellow wellington boots  are a good amputation device .

    Was your neighbour on the inside looking out or the outside looking in .

    Chuck some dirty water over her .

    Maybe she just was pleased to see you or is she on the side of rumpy pumpy .

    Be careful out there .

    You can lose two good balls if you stand on a rake .

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Tue, Feb 19 2019 2:25 AM

    I'm off .

    Dubai .

    Be nice .

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Tue, Feb 19 2019 3:28 AM

    Dear miss o'callaghan ,

    I am still unsettled regarding the disastrous evening that I shared with you tonight - so unsettled that I can't just lay it down. Frankly, you are the most vain individual that I have encountered in my life.

    You need a crash course in relationship interaction. I must wonder if you seriously get along with anyone. You have made me a firm believer in never accepting a blind date again for as long as I live. I shall bear the marks of your crooked yellow teeth in my jugular vein until death, and then some. Did I ask to be necked?.

    craig .

  • craigswan
    31,069 Posts
    Tue, Feb 19 2019 3:39 AM

    Dear craig ,

    In reply .

    The problem with men is that they were born men. Men don't know how to relate to a woman. If a man can't relate to me, it's a pretty hopeless situation for the world..

    Craig you arrived at my front door with a wad of wilted weeds which you claimed to be daisies. But I know they were weeds because almost immediately, my eyes teared, I began sneezing and my face broke out in an instant rash.

     It was a huge disappointment because I had carefully prepared for the date - even going as far as to purchase a new brand of perfume and a new version of makeup as I was picking up my new kitty, Sherman from the pet store. 

    You chose to take me out to a steakhouse which was little more than a hole in the wall. 

     You were very skimpy on the price, too, ordering twenty dollar steaks for both of us. Just what does that brand of cheapness say to a woman, I ask?

    I suppose the worst moment of the date was when you left the inept waitress a $10 tip. Imagine, a waitress worth half as much as a cheap steak for a cheapskate! 

    And further more as expected we experienced a bit of engine trouble on the way home .

    Your exhaust didn't work. It  was full of hot air .

    And also your tires didn't work because this date certainly didn't just keep right on rolling along!

     thank you for ruining my entire life!

    o'callaghan .