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Paging " Dear Pabby "

• craigswan 31,016 Posts

  Sun, Mar 3 2019 8:41 AM

  Sir,,

  Once again I write .

   To put it quite it frankly, there are plenty of other courses that offer, world class golf at reasonable prices. Your course seems to be far from the field, as far as, value. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Good luck..

• craigswan 31,016 Posts

  Sun, Mar 3 2019 8:44 AM

  Craig ,

  this is a huge load of BS and you know it. My staff is absolutely dying to know what courses you consider “world-class” and what you consider to be “reasonable prices.” So here’s my challenge. Since you didn’t pay for your coupon book and only paid $14 for your round of golf, send us your list of “world class” golf courses that can be had for under $14. Maybe I’ll share it with our 2,500 Facebook fans and 6 million wgt  members to see what they think. If you wish, I can give them your email address so you can hear from them directly.

  I think what really happened is you played poorly, felt bruised and embarrassed, and childishly tried to blame your poor play on the golf course. Shame on you.

  As for the coupon book you received for free, I care not whether you use it again. We have made the small sum we get from its sale — which you did not pay anyway — and I can somehow make it through another day without giving you a second chance to whine about your $14 round of golf.

• craigswan 31,016 Posts

  Sun, Mar 3 2019 8:46 AM

  Finally .

  My last complaint .

  Your bunkers are too sandy .

   Not like the sand in the brochure.

• craigswan 31,016 Posts

  Tue, Mar 5 2019 6:33 AM

  Dear walmart ,

  I have a complaint i wish to make .

  This morning i woke up as i usually do and went to make myself a cup of tea .

  I used 2 of your finest tea bags for added strength and 1 spoon of sugar for sweetness .

  The sugar came from lidl .

  I whipped out from my cupboard a packet of your delicious milk chocolate digestives .

  Boom - 3 biscuits later my dream turned into a nightmare .

  Never in my life have i been in such a biscuit predicament .

  One of your chocolate digestives had no chocolate on it . A very plain digestive indeed .

  What did i do next . I considered eating it but let's be honest a plain digestive cannot tantalise your tastebuds like a chocolate digestive can .

  I have never had a foodgasm caused by a plain biscuit .

  Having ruined my morning cuppa i do anticipate your response .

  craig .

• craigswan 31,016 Posts

  Tue, Mar 5 2019 6:44 AM

  Dear craig ,

  Wow - what a busy morning you have had .

  We are sorry about your surprise addition to your breakfast .

  The plain digestive biscuit is not something to be shunned .

  We think ordinary things are special too .

  No traffic in the morning , a freshly made bed or finding £5 in your pocket raise a smile rather than causing a frown .

  How do we move on from this craig .

  Your be tea-lighted to know we never want our shoppers to be disappointed so we are not only sending you a free packet of milk chocolate digestives but also a bag of our very own sugar .

  The plain digestive should not have to hide away behind it's chocolate friend .

  the manager .

  See you next week .

• craigswan 31,016 Posts

  Wed, Mar 6 2019 8:17 AM

  Dear emirates ,

   

  Do you like riddles? I do, that’s why I’m starting this letter with one.

  What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What’s fat as ****, stinks like s**** and should be forced to purchase two seats on a emirates  flight? That’s right, it’s the man I sat next to under on my flight from edinburgh to dubai yesterday.

  As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional £25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn’t a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.

  Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne – Eau No. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it’s entirely possible that none of them actually saw me .

  Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 12 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn’t catch the names of the three flight attendants in my cabin , but for the purpose of this letter, I’ll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I’ve given them all the same surname – Couldnotgivea****). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how *** they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to whichGiggly responded, “hehehe, they’re for crew only, hehehe“. I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.

  I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgivea**** triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both “crew only” rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she’s flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.

  Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn’t that exactly the same as having someone who can’t control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that’s why I’m demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the £25 for an emergency row seat.

  I’m also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I’m yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don’t recover completely, I’ll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.

  To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: 

  No regards,

• gonfission 2,230 Posts

  Wed, Mar 6 2019 4:30 PM

  Fantastic story, and writing, Craig. I feel your pain, thankful I don't have to smell it...

  Craig, I applaud your ability to not commit premeditated murder, it would only get you into the mile high murder club. Momentarily. Which at this writing has less than a dozen people in it. Alas, then you have to land.

  If it was a United flight, you may have a good case for getting off the murder charge...

  It may very well be the most exclusive club above terra firma.

  I'll bet you could have chosen ANY seat on the craft, had you followed through. I always try to find the Sky Marshalls when I fly. They are the ones giving me the hairy eyeball as I saunter down the aisle. If possible I sit behind them...

  Plant the seed......

  So, I see your intrepid excursion, and raise you a misanthrope...

  When wearing a device of any sort, you seem to get front row seating. Wink Wink, nod nod.

  While Mike & I were waiting for the boarding, this 27 year old left leg, of your aquatic friend, came peg legging down the airport hallway to the gate. She, It, Sheeeeeit was wearing a full leg brace, designed to lighten the load on your knee.

  Not give you a Pirates peg leg...

  She was definitely faking it. Unlike myself of course. Right Mike? LOL

  They put her in first on the port side of the craft, window seat. Her beatnik boyfriend sat in the middle, They gave me the aisle seat so I could put my foot out straight.  Nice peeps.

  When I sat down, I PLOPPED into the seat, making him lift his right arm. I immediately put my left, on the arm rest. He tried to get a sliver of the rest by pushing my left forearm with his right.

  I promptly pushed back, then fell asleep. 2 hours later, I woke up with my left shoulder on FIRE. He was pretending to be asleep, however his breathing was to erratic. I was leaning into the aisle at this point.

  I got real tired real quick, of people brushing by me, on the way to, and FROM the restroom.

  So, I did the only thing an anti-social pri-ck would do, I slammed his right forearm into his rib cage. WOOPS... Did I do that??? The fat chick next to him, absorbed the after shocks.

  He harrumphed and pretended to wake up. He looked at me & gave me the WTF look.

  I tried to be nice. Ask Mike. LOL

  I told him his big shoulders were to big, and he was pushing me over. He said something about the middle seat. IDK. I really didn't care for his chick, or him taking a seat from an elderly person, that I would have conversed with, the entire flight.

  After mumbling something else into my deaf ear, I leaned into him, looked him right in the eye, and said, "I'll have BOTH of us dragged off this plane in leg irons, and waist shackles".

  Apparently he realized I knew what I was talking about. Go figure. A woman came from her jump seat, as she entered the aisle, he leaned forward and asked if there were any other seats available.

  I whispered out of the left side of my mouth, "best decision of your life, PUNK...

  He got up & walked out of my life, allowing me the supreme comfort I am rightfully due.

  Why might you ask, I feel I am due these comforts? Because, I can!

  If y'all learn one thing in life, that you take to the grave. Learn the following......

  PEOPLE WILL DO TO YOU, ONLY WHAT YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO TO YOU!!

  I am over 60 now. Apparently if you hit someone over 60, you're going straight to jail...

  Strangely enough, his skank never said a word to me. Mikey was right behind me though.

  Just far enough to be clear of any deflection that may have occurred. LMMFAO.

  SO, Craig, what have we learned?

  Tell the triplets to feel free to take your assigned seat. next time you are seated next to Pizza the Hut... Give them a urinal cake to take with them. Preferably one that was just used. LMAO

  Boy, you need to be prepared for these adventures in socialism......

  Joe's traveling tips

  -----------------------<*{{{{{-(

• craigswan 31,016 Posts

  Thu, Mar 7 2019 3:43 AM

  Brittania hotels ltd ,

  Dear Customer Relations,

  What good fortune that I happened to stay in your hotel on Primrose Hill Road this week. Normally, I would stay in Bloomsbury but for some unknown reason, all central London hotels were full and for a while, I thought that I wasn’t going to find anywhere to stay at all. However, Lady Luck smiled on me and guided me to your revolving door. Little did I realise how fortunate I had been.

  I noticed at once the remarkable interior design of the lobby, bar and restaurant areas. The seventies style really is making a comeback isn’t it? The fact that yours is actually original gives the place that touch of real authenticity. I bet that one of the Board of Directors’ wives has (or had, she may be dead by now of course) a real talent for combining ‘eclectic’ pieces of furniture and remarkable flowery wallcoverings to create spaces of stunning originality.

  The lighting was also very good – and bright. I can’t be doing with all this low level atmospheric lighting you see so much of nowadays. No point in having a great interior if it’s too dark to see it and you never know when you might have to indulge in a bit of complex cardio-thoracic surgery so it’s better to be safe than sorry, I say.

  It was a little unusual to be asked to pay the £140.60 room rate in advance however. Normally, a credit card authorisation would be taken and the bill settled the following morning. Could it be that your guests were less inclined to pay their bill after they had seen their room? That was a little worrying.

  You can imagine how relieved I was therefore when, arriving at my bedroom, I found that the Director’s wife had used her considerable creative talents here too. More flowery wallpaper adorned every vertical surface (except for the bits that were peeling off) and I thought that the purple flowers were a perfect match for the dark green carpet. I couldn’t quite work out whether the assorted bodily fluid stains were part of the original design scheme or just the natural consequence of many happy visits over the years but I thought that they added a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ to the interior.

  The peeling wallpaper theme was cleverly continued into the bathroom where cracked tiles and gaping holes in the walls provided some welcome relief to the otherwise boring flatness of the tiling. It was so good to see that your maintenance department hadn’t spoiled things by making unnecessary repairs.

  The maintenance team also deserves my heartfelt thanks for disconnecting the bathroom extract system. I hate to see myself in the mirror when I’m shaving and I like it when a bathroom gets all steamy and water runs down the walls. I think that all that the black mould growing on the ceiling over the bath was a small price to pay for all that lovely humidity.

  In this digital age, I really miss the steady ticking of an old fashioned alarm clock when I’m going to sleep so the incessant drum beat of the water dripping from the leaky shower head on to the bath tap below was a most welcome substitute.

  Back in the bedroom, I also loved the way that the smoke detector had been decorated. The addition of the little frill of toilet paper that had been so tastefully taped around it was a stroke of genius and succeeded in transforming the otherwise banal object into a thing of beauty.

  However, despite this positive treasury of sensory delights, my absolute clear favourite was getting knocked out by the ‘chandelier’. How terribly thoughtful of you to suspend the extraordinarily heavy light fitting such that the bulbous, brass extremity lay so precisely at eyebrow level. The resulting concussion was a considerable aid to a restful night’s sleep and I only needed to spend a few minutes counting the bedsprings sticking into my back before I was dreaming peacefully.

  Finally, I must say that I really enjoyed the breakfast, cooked fresh on Wednesday morning. Of course, by the time I actually ate it on Friday, it was perhaps a little past its absolute best and the brown and crispy fried eggs were probably a bit ‘nouvelle cuisine’ for my unsophisticated tastes. I can say however that following the breakfast, I was passing so much wind that I could have farted the national anthem and that is usually a sign of a damn fine breakfast..

  Please be good enough to let me know when you’re next putting your prices up so I can come back and experience even more of your extraordinary good value.

  Yours etc,

  craig .

• craigswan 31,016 Posts

  Thu, Mar 7 2019 3:55 AM

  Dear Avon Ladies,

  I am writing in regards to your product “Youth Awakening Lipstick” with pearl finish as seen on pages 70 -71 of your 15^th Brochure of 2019. The product itself looks simply wonderful as it is available in a variety of colours and is supposed to; and I quote, “ make lips look up to 5 years younger” which I understand results were found through a clinical study of 50 people.

  I am writing as I am unsure of whether or not to buy your product. I know at £6.00 it’s hardly breaking the bank, however what is really confusing me is how on earth you measure what ages your lips are and if the Youth Awakening Lipstick really has succeeded in making them look 5 years younger.

  I suppose what I’m really getting at is what instrument of measurement do I use to see if I really need this product. How do I know how old my lips look?

   How old is the woman in the picture, I’ve been asking people today how old they think she is to which the response is “how am I supposed to know? That’s a stupid question” accompanied with a bizarre look as though I’ve just asked something completely insane. I just need to know.

  As a middle aged man  obviously how one looks and feels is important. I just can’t fathom at all if I need it. Should I send you a picture of my mouth and you can offer your professional opinion? I mean the idea of a 17 year olds mouth is a tantalisingly good idea but what if my 46 year old face doesn’t match it?

  Are there any plans to introduce 5 years younger eyes and ears? Would that be too much? I don't really know what age you get to when other women start talking behind your back that your trying to look like a teenager.

  As you can see good ladies of Avon I’m in somewhat of a dilemma. I really don’t know what to do. I wish it were just the simple question of will this colour suit me, but it’s more like am I going to suit 17 year old lips. Whatever they look like. Do you have some amazing programme that can generate a picture of what they’ll look like? If so do you charge for this service or is it a complimentary service Avon offers?

   I do hope you will look into this as I am keen to get my 17 year old lips with pearl finish.

  
  

• craigswan 31,016 Posts

  Thu, Mar 7 2019 3:58 AM

  Dear Cadburys,

  My name is Rochelle Fallon and i am writing in regards to your product Creme Eggs. They are absolutely delicious and also challenging. I love trying to take the foil off without ripping it, which is surprisingly difficult. Anyway the reason i am writing apart from to congratulate you on such a great product, is to just check for my own peace of mind that the chickens that lay Creme Eggs have a good standard of living.

  Are they free range as i am unable to find this information on the packaging? It's just that you see so many things on television about the mistreatment of animals that i wanted to be sure that I am enjoying a product that has been made by a happy chicken. Are the chickens cooped up all day or are they allowed to wander about and see their families and friends? I'm curious as the Crème Eggs seem to have gotten smaller in the past few years.... Or maybe i'm just bigger.

   I would also like to inform you of how i eat mine as the advert constantly asks and i'm sure you may need it for market research - I shove it all in my mouth, and sometimes chew.

   I am sure you are asked this all the time, but would it be possible to purchase one of the Creme Egg laying chickens? I promise i will not sell them, i'd just like to raise one and have my own constant supply. I will offer a good price. If it's not possible to buy a chicken that lays the normal size Creme Eggs, would it possible to buy a mini chicken that lays the mini Creme Eggs.

  Also what happens if the egg collectors miss an egg? Does it turn into a Creme Chicken? and do the chickens lay Creme Eggs with the wrappers on? I know i've asked alot of questions but i was arguing with a collegue at work the other day and i'm hoping to prove them wrong. I look forward to a prompt reply.