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Dear Pabby

Mon, Dec 13 2021 8:56 AM (251 replies)
  • gonfission
    1,988 Posts
    Fri, Jan 29 2021 11:58 AM

    See the source image

    Well Craig. It seems you left a WEE BIT out of the equation. 

    I suppose asking her to be Kelly is one thing, but a four-some?

    Well, I once dated (HEH) 5 sisters, at the same time, (no relation to me, you sicko's) but that was never to be seen again... Women, always squabbling, all want the same thing...

    *SIGH* the 70's were to tie-dyed for....

    Thems was the days

    See the source image

    These  look really cool, blue

    But they were the *HOTTEST* hot pants in exsistence...

  • craigswan
    25,443 Posts
    Fri, Jan 29 2021 3:06 PM

    Dear Paddy .

    I have been a loyal user of  Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.  Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.  But my favorite feature has to be the revolutionary Flexi-Wings.  Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Paddy ?  Ever suffered from the curse?  I’m guessing you haven’t.  Well, my time of the month is starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.  Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’  Isn’t the human body amazing?

    Paddy  you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during  monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’.  Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.  You surely realize it’s a tough time for most of us.  In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

     

    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.  Which brings me to the reason for my post .

    Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

    'Have a Happy Period'.

    Are you ****ing kidding me?  What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period?  Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?  Well, did it Paddy?

    FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

    For the love of God, pull your head out, man!  If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on me?

  • craigswan
    25,443 Posts
    Fri, Jan 29 2021 3:20 PM

    Dear paddy .

    Are nice biscuits pronounced Nice or nice .

    I always pronounce it nice but my wife insists that it is Nice .

  • craigswan
    25,443 Posts
    Tue, Feb 2 2021 12:48 PM

    Dear paddy ,

     

    My mother in law says cucumbers are the food of the devil and inappropriate for a woman to touch .

    She says my wife must take precautions when preparing them for my lunch by only selecting the old and ugly one's and wearing gloves .

    She says to stop illicit thoughts she must salt my cucumber and slice her finger while working on it .

    Mother in law swears using this trick spared her from having three more children .

    Is this true .

  • craigswan
    25,443 Posts
    Tue, Feb 2 2021 1:26 PM

    Dear paddy ,

    I am a very happily married middle aged  man from st andrews .

    Recently i have been having mixed feelings about cheating on my wife .

    I have a goat . Her name is daisy .

    I have been thinking about how it would feel to be with her .

    Will i contract mad cow disease .

  • craigswan
    25,443 Posts
    Mon, Feb 8 2021 11:24 AM

    Dear paddy ,

    I am a very heavy drinker and each day consume about twenty pints of beer . I enjoy this and as my wife knew of my hobby when we met, she puts up with a lot from me really, but I also do the same with her.

    Last night I staggered, singing loudly, up the drive and stumbled through the door, like you do, was sick on the carpet and stumbled up to bed. My wife knows I always do this.

    I made love to my wife and in the middle of the night got up to go to the toilet and accidentally urinated in my wife's wardrobe, then I trod on the cat's tail, threw it to its death out of the window then punched my wife, after which I fell downstairs, put some french fries on to cook and forgot about them, falling asleep. Apparently the deep fat frier  then caught fire and burned the house down.

    Then I realised it was the wrong house. This has not happened before, but I feel it was a warning to me to change my ways. I am 6 foot 3 inches tall and 41 years old..

    Image result for reaction gifs

  • craigswan
    25,443 Posts
    Mon, Feb 8 2021 11:41 AM

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    Dear paddy ,

    You may think that this is a rather trivial matter but to me it's actually a matter of life and death.

    I'm currently suspended from a suspension bridge (rather apt that isn't it?

    But thanks to modern technology and in particular my Blackberry, I am in fact able to email you asking for assistance.

    So, do you think that if I try and struggle free from the straight jacket that i am  tied  into, that the thin rope I'm dangling from might break, thus resulting in me plunging into the icy river some 150 feet below?

    As you can imagine my options are a bit limited and the only alternative to the plan I've just sketched out would appear to hang here and hope that  some law enforcement officer happens upon me just in the nick of time.

    And I know what you're thinking - how can he be emailing me if he's tied into a straight jacket? Good question and one I'd be tempted to ask myself were I to be in your shoes.

    Fortunately the answer is simple. I have amazing dexterity in my toes and I'm doing all this with me feet.

  • craigswan
    25,443 Posts
    Tue, Feb 23 2021 3:41 AM

    Dear paddy ,

    I am a les bian and my wife doesn't love me any more. I have tried everything to get back in her good books. I have even started doing DIY, and had my hair cropped, but she isn't impressed. She has got a new butch personal trainer and is spending a lot of time with her. What can I do?

  • craigswan
    25,443 Posts
    Tue, Feb 23 2021 3:44 AM

    Dear paddy ,

    I am worried that I may be a serial killer. Last Thursday I strangled a young lady from our office that I had invited back to my house for a cup of tea. Yesterday I asked my neighbour if he could come in and have a look at my washing machine and I beat his head in with a monkey wrench. I chopped up these bodies, bagged their remains in several black bin bags and they are piled up in the bath seeping blood everywhere. They really stink. This morning it has happened again. I am writing this at the kitchen table while looking at the decapitated body of one of our local Jehovah's Witnesses lying on the floor at my feet. Do you think I need help?

  • craigswan
    25,443 Posts
    Tue, Feb 23 2021 3:45 AM

    Dear paddy ,

    Soap modelling is my hobby. My girlfriend is into cage-fighting and pit-bull terriers. I tried to impress her by making a soap model of the Ancient Etruscan city of Tarquinia in the back yard but it rained and now the yard is full of lather. My girlfriend called me a "gormless twat". What can I do to make up for this?

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