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Jokes - clean if you can

• plumbology 1,108 Posts

  Thu, Jan 28 2016 2:46 PM

  What is the differences between meat and fish?

   

  If you beat your fish it dies...

• bubbsboy 6,879 Posts

  Thu, Jan 28 2016 2:48 PM

  My mates been sacked from his window cleaning job today, kept losing his rag.

  So he was offered a jop blowing tyres up at the local garage, turned it down as couldn`t handle the pressure.

• bubbsboy 6,879 Posts

  Mon, Feb 1 2016 4:24 PM

  Said to my mate "well the wife will be on the plane now", he said "aww she gone on holiday like", " no shes taking 1/8 inch off the back door", i said.

  Said to my other mate "my wifes gone to one of those Caribbean islands today", "jamaica", he replied,  "no she wanted to go", i said.

• mathia14 1,271 Posts

  Mon, Feb 1 2016 4:41 PM

  I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

   

     

  After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realized he had made it home safely. 

  Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

     

  ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

   

  A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

     

  Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

     

  The wife's back on the warpath again.  She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

   

  I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 

     

  My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. 

     

  I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. 

           

  Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. 

     

  The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

        

  A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."   

  "That's a disgrace,"  said the priest," especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."   

     

  A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

• craigswan 31,030 Posts

  Wed, Feb 3 2016 12:30 AM

  

• mathia14 1,271 Posts

  Wed, Feb 3 2016 8:57 AM

  The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

   

  
  The instructor said,

   

  "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
  Walking is especially beneficial.

   

  
  It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

  
  Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft
  surface like grass or a path."

  
  Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you
  to go walking with her.

  
  In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

  
  The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

  After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room,
  slowly raised his hand.

   

  "Yes?" said the Instructor.

  
  "I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?”

   

   

  Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?  This level of sensitivity can't be taught!

• craigswan 31,030 Posts

  Wed, Feb 3 2016 1:37 PM

  Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
  
  They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
  
  The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the
  Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
  
  The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
  
  "Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an ass hole!"

• mathia14 1,271 Posts

  Sat, Mar 12 2016 4:32 PM

   

   

  I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager).

  
  I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
  I don’t have to go to school or work.
  I get an allowance every month.
  I have my own pad.
  I don’t have a curfew.
  I have a driver’s license and my own car.
  I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
  The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
  And I don’t have acne.

  
  Life is great. 
  I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

  
  

• craigswan 31,030 Posts

  Sun, Mar 13 2016 11:12 AM

  Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory McIlroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o’ the mornin to ya" As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "What are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Rory. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Rory. "Aw, Jaysus, Maryan' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything..."