Oh How Dastardly!
When we all know that the statute of limitations on golf ball misappropriation does not carry forwards to the new owner. Ask my Dad.He still worries about the Arsenal doormat from Highbury circa 1975.(He is unnaware that actually,I have since stolen it from him,and it now resides in the boat shed but I can't quite bring myself to wipe my feet on it,being a lifelong Gooner)
Talking of crimes committed whilst in posession of a club and ball,does anyone know the tensile strength of steel mesh reinforced public toilet windows? I do...
Moving on swiftlike(Apus apus) I would like to extend my generosity to Hrt(some kind of replacement therapy no?) and suggest that if he can fit into size ten,then he would be welcome to much of last summers wardrobe.
Obviously I am not really a size ten gertie gallumpkin,but some shops DO lie about their size charts,heaven knows why.
Sorry to hear about your bad day noobiedoobs,but just in an attempt to make you feel better,perhaps a study of my day in the very pit of hell would cheer you some? It went like this.
10AM. Lambert stumbles at my dressing room door,and attempts to wake the dog,still,after 57 years our family retainer,in the daily mistaken belief that the dog is I.
1004. Dog savages Lambert.As he does every day.Lizzie learns new "grown up word"
1008. Breakfast tray crashes to the floor.Eggs truly scrambled.
1018. Maid recovers shaken Lambert,dragging limp body out of dressing room.Lizzie learns new "grown up words",feminine nomenclature
1031.Fail to answer first question on Pop Quiz,Damn that Ken Bruce,decide to rise and dress.
1034.Enter dressing room to be greeted by joyful dog.Remove shreds of black vestment from between dog teeths.Not sure,but think I see flesh there too.
1138.Completed dressing routine and ablutions.Gabby called during process,and talked me out of nine outfits before finally settling on the puce top with clamshell brooch for my hair,and the midi with those short brown boots.Until Charlotte webcammed and said I looked awful.Went back to outfit number three and lied barefaced to Gabby on the moby.Hoped I wouldnt bump into her at the gallery veiwing.
1218.Popped in to see cook in the kitchens for brekkers,met with a heavily bandaged and sedated Lambert slumped over the table complaining about his employers.Asked me who the hell I was,wished I would visit more often,and if only his mistress was as nice as me.Started to explain and thought better.Status Quo has its benefits with Lambert.
1242.Brekkers done,helped cook remove comatose Butler and prop him in the bacon pantry,just in case Daddy popped by.Shared a few tidbits of gossip with cook about Geraldine and the man who does some of the lawns for us.
1320.Derrick the driver upset that I didnt take the motor car,said he had spent two hours polishing it for me.Derrick not amused when I said I would have Daddy make the horn louder because he wouldnt be able to fix the brakes.
1330. Dominic the stable lad(I think thats his name,I go a bit vacant near him) got quimpers out for me and rigged him for the afternoon.Quimpers snorted.
1335. Pretended I couldnt mount quimpers.
1335-1410 Dominic helped me up.(gosh,sometimes I am soo clumsy)
1410-1500 Rode to the village along the carraige drive.Remonstrated with several assorted chavs,oiks and peasants,and told them to "Git orf moi laaaand".Had to take lessons in dialect for that one at prep school.
1510. Heard screams of anguish and something about claims direct following the unmistakable double thunderclap of Morris' over under.Perhaps I shouldnt have texted him to shoot all trespassers whilst I was still worked up.As a contingency,rode to Phillips the bobbys house and wrote a cheque for the benevolent fund.
1630. Had to make emergency exit from gallery.Saw Gabby and that awful Perigrine doing the rounds.
1632.Had Derrick come and pick me up.Left Quimpers with Sally at the post office for Dominic to sort after work.
1700. Called by the aerodrome on the way home.They STILL havent finished servicing the R22.Apparently fitting twin self acting rotating mini guns and a pink fuselage have somehow upset the FAA.What utter prigs.I mean,whats wrong with a pink helicopter?Dash it all.
1810. safe home at last,completely exhausted.Flopped into my sleepy chair in the drawing room and drew a new profile picture so I don't get "Hey you're hot" comments.
1900.Had to take a private call in the library.Omg some people are SO selfish.As if my day wasnt busy enough,I had to then deal with Katys' life crises.She thinks Wills is great,but is worried about the lifestyle.Well whoopie ding Kate,HELLO.She apologised when I ran through how bad MY day had been.
2119.Post shower discovered I had trenchfoot.Upon inspection however,and following the ever sensible (if confused anglo spanish) Conchitas advice,upon looking I realised it was only a bit of Lamberts dog chewed flesh I had stepped in.Must chide dog to stop carrying disagreeable things into my shower rooms.
2210.Wrote this
Lizzie x