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The Joke Thread...

• WigerToods2010 8,445 Posts

  Tue, Oct 15 2013 6:31 PM

  Bloke walks into a bar and  and notices there's a huge Alsation dog laying in the corner busy licking it's own bollox.....  "Oi, George... I wish I could do that!"

  Quick as a flash the barman replies : "Give him a biscuit, he might let ya!"

  :O)

   

• sweetspott 26,443 Posts

  Tue, Oct 15 2013 7:28 PM

• ZioMio 4,680 Posts

  Wed, Oct 16 2013 10:19 AM

  Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch.
  
  She runs down to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. "No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly, hands still between his legs.
  
  Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly and starts massaging his privates.
  
  "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
  
  "Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb still really hurts."

• WigerToods2010 8,445 Posts

  Wed, Oct 16 2013 11:28 AM

  ^^^^ pfft..chortle..chortle...

  :O)

• craigswan 31,005 Posts

  Thu, Oct 17 2013 2:34 AM

  Two blondes walk into a department store. They go to the perfume counter and pickup a sample bottle.  THE FIRST BLONDE sprays it on her wrist and smells it and says "It smells quite nice, Doesn't it,

  second blonde  takes a sniff and says,  Yes, Really nice, what is it called?

  "Viens a moi", Says first blonde .  " Viens a moi? asks her friend  "What does that mean?"

  At this point the sales assistant hears them and replies,  "Viens a moi, ladies, means ...  Come to me ... in french."

  First blonde takes another sniff, and offers her arm to her friend again and remarks ... This doesn't smell like come to me?  Does it smell like come to you, .

• craigswan 31,005 Posts

  Thu, Oct 17 2013 2:42 AM

  A tourist is in North London one Saturday and he decides he would very much like to go to a football match, so he asks a man in the street if there are any local matches being played that afternoon.

  "Well," replies the man, "the Tottenham ground is very close but they're playing away today. If you feel you really must see a match, the Arsenal  ground is not that far away. You go straight down this road and you'll see two queues, a big queue and a small queue.

  You should go to the small queue because the big one is for the fish and chip shop

• craigswan 31,005 Posts

  Thu, Oct 17 2013 2:45 AM

  Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.

  I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

  You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.

  A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

  A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

  The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.

• craigswan 31,005 Posts

  Thu, Oct 17 2013 2:55 AM

  Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

   Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The first couple  said it was no problem at all. . The second couple  said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The third couple  said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

  "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

  "Yeah," said the guy ."She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

  The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

  "That's okay," they said , .. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either .

• craigswan 31,005 Posts

  Sat, Oct 19 2013 3:38 AM

  Simon of the bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
  
  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company
  to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
  
  Dear Simon ,
  Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
  leg you will be just right as a Pirate. 
  
  Simon  is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
  
  A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
  
  Dear Simon ,

  Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
  The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. 
  Simon  is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
  
  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
  
  Dear Simon ,

  Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
  
  We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden. Then stick your wooden leg up your *** and go as a toffee apple