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How about a laugh During our darkest hour??

Fri, Mar 27 2020 11:42 PM by TyMacni. 15 replies.
  • JDGHOST United States
    3,461 Posts
    Sat, Mar 21 2020 12:14 PM

            Figuring we are all having a tough time and are full of questions and concerns...Thought maybe a funny joke or two may help us all ..So post away....

    Here's the best one I got...

     

    So three guys pass away at almost the same time of the day in separate instances ...They arrive at the pearly gates where they are greeted by St Peter himself.. So St Peter says " Ok lads we have a situation...Heaven is a bit crowed at that moment I can only allow one of you in at this time ...2 of you must wait in limbo ...The way I will decide who is in is the fella with the most unusual story about his death will be in today....That is my decision and MY decision is final!"

    Well the 3 guys look at each a bit baffled and confused....St Peter points to the first guy and says "So how did you die today?"

    He responds ...."Well St Peter I am a bit ashamed of the event of my death but...I suspected for some time that my wife was having an affair so I decided to cut out of work early and sneak home midday....When I arrived home I saw a mans coat on my couch...So I bust in to our bedroom were I find my wife in bed naked at 2pm?? Well St Peter I go into a fit of rage tearing our apartment apart.... I was ready to give up and apologize when just then I seen a set of hands hanging out our widow sill ...Well we live on the 33th floor of a high rise apartment so I grab hold of a hammer St Peter... and start smashing this guys hands...He lets go BUT he hits the awning on the 10th floor then the awning on the first floor then finally the ground...He was busted up but still alive...Well that wasn't good enough for me St Peter so I grab hold of my bedroom Armorie' and I push it to the window... I lift it up and try to push it out to land on this guy...But the leg of the Armorie'' grabs my belt loop and pulls me out the window to my death!!!" St Peter says "WOW That's some story!!!" He asked the 2nd gentleman and how'd you get here?

    Well St Peter he says ...I'm a window washer....I was washing windows on the 44th floor of a high rise building when suddenly my scaffold breaks and I start to fall ....I figure I'm dead but just then I grab hold of a window sill on the 33rd floor....I'm hanging there happy to be alive when all of sudden some maniac starts smashing my hands with a hammer!!! Well I let go but I hit the awning on the 10th floor again on the first floor finally the ground!! I'm laying there busted up but still alive!! I look up to thank the Lord for this good fortune when all of a sudden I see this same Maniac strapped to an Armoire' waving a hammer he lands on me and boom...I'm hear!! Oh My St Peter says..."You gotta be the guy I let in today"....Let me just ask the last fella ..."Sir how did you come to perish today?"

    This guy has a very confused look and says...."Well St Peter to tell you the truth ...I got no idea!!...The last thing I remember...I WAS HIDING BUCK F***** NAKED IN A DAM ARMOIRE'!!!!"

  • bossbird France
    629 Posts
    Sat, Mar 21 2020 1:08 PM

    Very good . 
    I will give it a go to tell one

    there was a very old married couple , been married for ever , but we’re worried about whether there was sex in the afterLife. They made a pact with each other , that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was sex in the afterlife. 
    the husband died first , and true to his promise , he came back to tell his wife , “ Marion are you there ? “  she says “ is that you Bob ?” “ yes it’s me , I have come to tell you what it’s like in the afterlife “     “ what’s it like Bob” ? She says , 

    he says , “ well I have sex in the morning nice and early , then I have breakfast, after breakfast I have more sex.Then I go off to the golf course , enjoy the sunshine , meet with friends , and have sex another couple of times. Then it’s lunchtime , you would be proud of me I eat plenty of greens , relax some more , and have sex another couple of times . Then after a short snooze , back to the golf course , play with friends , and sex another couple of times before dinner. Much needed sleep at night , and the next day all over again. 
    Marion says , “ oh Bob you are in heaven ! “

    He says “ no , I am a rabbit , in Tipperary !!

    no offence to anyone intended 

     

     

     

  • Luckystar5 United States
    1,506 Posts
    Sat, Mar 21 2020 2:19 PM

    No sports,   the closest thing to sports that I've been able to watch, is the birds in my backyard, fighting over worms,  Cardinals over the Bluejays, 3 to 1

  • DonCaron United States
    5,129 Posts
    Sat, Mar 21 2020 3:04 PM

    Luckystar5:

    No sports,   the closest thing to sports that I've been able to watch, is the birds in my backyard, fighting over worms,  Cardinals over the Bluejays, 3 to 1

    Yes, its a war between the Cardinals and Blue Jays. Everytime I put the seed out, the back yard turns into a war zone.

  • azgolfer56 United States
    46 Posts
    Sat, Mar 21 2020 7:17 PM

    Great jokes gentleman they made me laugh. I'll try one, I hope it makes you smile or maybe a giggle. There is a non stop flight from New York to Los Angeles. About 20 minutes into the flight the captain gets on the intercom and says  they lost one engine but this plane is a 747 and has four engines but we can fly safely with three engines, but we will land into Los Angeles 30 minutes later than expected  with the loss of that engine. A bit later the captain gets on the intercom again with news of another engine with problems. He says we can fly safely with two engines but with the loss of another engine we will be getting into Los Angeles an hour later than expected  but we can fly safely with one engine. After that announcement a person stands up and says " if one more engine goes out we will be up here all day"

  • DirtyDuffer United States
    533 Posts
    Sun, Mar 22 2020 1:55 AM

    David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex:

    #10 A below par performance is considered damn good.

    #09 You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

    #08 It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

    #07 Foursomes are encouraged.

    #06 You can still make money doing it as a senior.

    #05 Three times a day is possible.

    #04 Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else. 

    #03 If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day. 

    #02 You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

    And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex: 


    #01 When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

  • DonCaron United States
    5,129 Posts
    Sun, Mar 22 2020 10:23 AM

    DirtyDuffer:

    David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex:

    #10 A below par performance is considered damn good.

    #09 You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

    #08 It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

    #07 Foursomes are encouraged.

    #06 You can still make money doing it as a senior.

    #05 Three times a day is possible.

    #04 Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else. 

    #03 If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day. 

    #02 You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

    And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex: 


    #01 When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

    😮

  • Babzilla33 United States
    58 Posts
    Sun, Mar 22 2020 10:53 AM

    JDGHOST:

            Figuring we are all having a tough time and are full of questions and concerns...Thought maybe a funny joke or two may help us all ..So post away....

    Here's the best one I got...

     

    So three guys pass away at almost the same time of the day in separate instances ...They arrive at the pearly gates where they are greeted by St Peter himself.. So St Peter says " Ok lads we have a situation...Heaven is a bit crowed at that moment I can only allow one of you in at this time ...2 of you must wait in limbo ...The way I will decide is the fella with the most unusual story about his death will be in today....That is decision and MY decision will be final!"

    Well the 3 guys look at each a bit baffled and confused....St Peter points to the first guy and says "So how did you die today?"

    He responds ...."Well St Peter I am a bit ashamed of the event of my death but...I suspected for some time that my wife was having an affair so I decided to cut out of work early and sneak home midday....When I arrived home I saw a mans coat on my couch...So I bust in to our bedroom were I find my wife in bed naked at 2pm?? Well St Peter I go into a fit of rage tearing our apartment apart.... I was ready to give up and apologize when just then I seen a set of hands hanging out our widow sill ...Well we live on the 33th floor of a high rise apartment so I grab hold of a hammer St Peter and start smashing this guys hands...He lets go BUT he hits the awning on the 10th floor then the awning on the first floor then finally the ground...He was busted up but still alive...Well that wasn't good enough for me so I grab hold of my bedroom armwar' and I push it to the window... I lift it up and try to push it out to land on this guy...But the leg of the armwar' grabs my belt loop and pulls me out the window to my death!!!" St Peter says "WOW That's some story!!!" He asked the 2nd gentleman and how'd you get here?

    Well St Peter he says ...I'm a window washer....I was washing windows on the 44th floor of a high rise building when suddenly my scaffold breaks and I start to fall ....I figure I'm dead but just then I grab hold of a window sill on the 33rd floor....I'm hanging there happy to be alive when all of sudden some maniac starts smashing my hands with a hammer!!! Well I let go but I hit the awning on the 10th floor again on the first floor finally the ground!! I'm laying there busted up but still alive!! I look up to thank the Lord for this good fortune when all of a sudden I see this same Maniac strapped to an armwar' waving a hammer he lands on me and boom...I'm hear!! Oh My St Peter says..."You gotta be the guy I let in today"....Let me just ask the last fella ..."Sir how did you come to perish today?"

    This guy has a very confused look and  says...."Well St Peter to tell you the truth ...I got no idea!!...The last thing I remember...I WAS HIDING BUCK F***** NAKED IN A DAM ARMWAR'!!!!"

    Thanks for the laugh JD!!!

    BABZ

  • craigswan United Kingdom
    16,780 Posts
    Sun, Mar 22 2020 2:17 PM

    A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from Florida to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

    “What can I do for y’all?” asks the attendant. “Fill `er up with high test,” replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. “What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.” “Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “this, my boy is a 2009 Cadillac CTS-V.”

    “What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant. “Well,” says the driver, “it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, 10 deck CD Player with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine!”

    “Wow,” says the attendant, “that’s really something!” “How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver. “That’ll be $70.17,” says the attendant.

    The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off three $20’s and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. “What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant. “Those are what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver. “Wow,” says the attendant, “those Cadillac people think of everything!”

  • dchallenger United States
    524 Posts
    Sun, Mar 22 2020 3:27 PM

    bossbird:

    Very good . 
    I will give it a go to tell one

    there was a very old married couple , been married for ever , but we’re worried about whether there was sex in the afterLife. They made a pact with each other , that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was sex in the afterlife. 
    the husband died first , and true to his promise , he came back to tell his wife , “ Marion are you there ? “  she says “ is that you Bob ?” “ yes it’s me , I have come to tell you what it’s like in the afterlife “     “ what’s it like Bob” ? She says , 

    he says , “ well I have sex in the morning nice and early , then I have breakfast, after breakfast I have more sex.Then I go off to the golf course , enjoy the sunshine , meet with friends , and have sex another couple of times. Then it’s lunchtime , you would be proud of me I eat plenty of greens , relax some more , and have sex another couple of times . Then after a short snooze , back to the golf course , play with friends , and sex another couple of times before dinner. Much needed sleep at night , and the next day all over again. 
    Marion says , “ oh Bob you are in heaven ! “

    He says “ no , I am a rabbit , in Tipperary !!

    no offence to anyone intended 

     

     

     

     (crickets)

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