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2015 British Open

Fri, Jul 17 2015 2:00 PM (57 replies)
  • MartyFlanagan
    2,488 Posts
    Wed, Jul 15 2015 3:11 PM

    its good to see all the Americans call it the open during interviews and press stuff, it seems they are learning or someone is telling them what the tournament is called

  • CerinoDevoti
    3,232 Posts
    Wed, Jul 15 2015 6:59 PM

    MartyFlanagan:

    its good to see all the Americans call it the open during interviews and press stuff, it seems they are learning or someone is telling them what the tournament is called

    Everything they see while they're there says The Open so I think that might be why they're all saying it. If they were back on American soil I'd bet they would be calling it the British Open. ;)

  • Jimbog1964
    8,378 Posts
    Wed, Jul 15 2015 9:52 PM

    CerinoDevoti:
    Everything they see while they're there says The Open so I think that might be why they're all saying it. If they were back on American soil I'd bet they would be calling it the British Open. ;)

    Would expect nothing less...Mix up football with soccer unless you keep telling them...Anyway long past time for:

    NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

    To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

    Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices  (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

  • blindpugh
    433 Posts
    Thu, Jul 16 2015 2:50 AM

    Love it Jimbog,have'nt laughed so much in ages...just one point though,you forgot to mention SIDEWALK ( PAVEMENT).

  • SlicedPepper
    796 Posts
    Thu, Jul 16 2015 6:57 AM

    1. Revocation: The act of recall or annulment. It is the reversal of an act, the recalling of a grant or privilege, or the making void of some deed previously existing.

    See July 4th 1776

    2. Microsoft is not the universal holder of knowledge. We speak American.

    3. British tourists should learn to distinguish American regional accents. I.E. Texans do not sound like someone from New York. Thank God.

    4. Hollywood has the right to cast whom ever they wish. It is not the fault of America that England has very few good actors.

    5. Our National Anthem will stay as it is. Learn it. You will need our help again in the near future.

    6. American football, or versions of, is played and well accepted in other countries. Canada,Central Europe,Russia and Switzerland to name a few. We are sorry that it upsets soccer fans that our players don't fall down when another player runs past them. Baseball is also a game played in quite a few other countries. It is not the fault of the US if English players do not have the required hand eye coordination to strike a round ball with a round bat. However, you will be permitted the continued use of flat bats to play cricket. Awfully cricket of us, wouldn't you agree?

    7. Having spent 6yrs. in the USMC, I am well versed in the care and use of firearms. As are many Americans. However, you do have permission to take them from those who are not. If you have the nerve.

    8. See #1

    9. England has not made a passable automobile in quite some time. See Top Gear. Pushing over priced German vehicles will not be accepted. And FREE JEREMY CLARKSON!

    10. French being the official language of the Belgian Army at the time French Fries were discovered by American AND British soldiers explains the name. 

    11. You are welcome to salt the tea of the entire New England area as it has shown it's proclivity toward socialism. 

    12. As my taste buds lean towards Guinness and Harp, neither made in England, you are welcome to drink what you wish. You are also welcome to come and have your own Boston Beer Party by throwing the large number of pussified beers made here overboard. Lemon-aid beer? Really?

    13. Petrol/Gasoline. According to a large world consensus we started the Iraq war for oil. Seeing as so many American lives were lost there, I believe we retain the right to charge what we see fit per gallon.

    14. Agreed. To many Americans have become wimps. Please learn what a fist is for.

    15. The CIA killed JFK. No wait, it was the Mafia. Aliens? An envoy from the Obama administration will arrive shortly to accept payment of war reparations as yet unpaid from the Revolution. Although, seeing as Iran had no problem making them look like the JV team with their deal, you should have no problem passing them counterfeit bills.

    16. Agreed. Have a nice day.

  • SlicedPepper
    796 Posts
    Thu, Jul 16 2015 7:04 AM

    SweetiePie:
    word has it they are having an open 2-man team back shaving contest and playing the ever popular "Musical Burkas" game,

    Also hearing whispers of a, "Pin The Tail On The Camel" game. Using live camels!

  • bubbsboy
    6,879 Posts
    Thu, Jul 16 2015 2:48 PM

    Pure class Jim , brilliant stuff

  • lawman48
    3,122 Posts
    Fri, Jul 17 2015 2:00 PM

    It really does not matter one way or the other that most Americans insist on calling it the "British Open" because we all know that if you said to any American that you had been watching "the Open" on television, they would know instantaneously what you was talking about. It's a kind of jealousy they have about anything that they wish belonged to them.

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