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golf jokes

Fri, Oct 10 2014 3:43 AM (32 replies)
  • SweetiePie
    4,925 Posts
    Fri, Jul 25 2014 6:00 PM

    A golf pro was thrown into prison for embezzelment and they took him to his cell, pushed him in and slammed to door. He looked up and saw this gigantic, mean looking dude with tatoos and missing teeth. The dude looked the pro straight in the eyes a asked "So...you wanna be the husband or the wife?" "huh...what?" "Damnit! I said do you want to be the husband or the wife! " uh..well.. if it's OK with you, I'll be the husband" "Good...now get over here and suck your wifes d!ck"

  • irzy
    1,358 Posts
    Sat, Jul 26 2014 8:19 AM

    A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

    "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you, You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

    Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

    "No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

    "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, Genie?"

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

    "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

    "We're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "Really?" he says. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

     
  • VamboRools
    260 Posts
    Sat, Jul 26 2014 10:42 AM

    A woman had been taking golf lessons for 4 weeks and she still couldn't hit the ball.  The golf pro teaching her eventually became exasperated and said, "4 weeks and you still can't hit the ball.  You're far too tense. We'll try something different....this should work.   I want you to relax,  imagine you're doing something  that  makes you happy....for instance imagine that you're in the bedroom, not the golf course, and it's not a golf club you're using,  it's your husband's dick."

    So the woman does as he says,  takes her shot,  and hits a perfect 300 yard drive.

    "Wow that's fantastic"  says the golf pro, "now i want you to take another shot........but this time.... take the club out of your mouth !!!!! "

  • Dubfore
    4,348 Posts
    Sat, Jul 26 2014 6:01 PM

    Funny Vam.

  • patriciawilliams
    3,273 Posts
    Sat, Jul 26 2014 8:26 PM

    irzy:

    A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

    "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you, You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

    Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

    "No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

    "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, Genie?"

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

    "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

    "We're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "Really?" he says. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

    lol
    Well, at least she got one good thing out of it :)       

     

  • ZioMio
    4,680 Posts
    Sun, Jul 27 2014 7:50 AM

    Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.

    Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

    A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

    Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week"

    The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

    The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."


    She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

    The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out.

    She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week shewas 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.

    As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

    Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed"

    The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

    Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air"


    She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

  • JFidanza
    1,676 Posts
    Fri, Aug 15 2014 12:47 AM

    'When I was young, I used to play 'Doctor' with this little girl in my neighborhood all the time. One time we got caught. Luckily, it was a Wednesday and we were just playing golf.'"

    ~Brian Kiley on Dr. Katz 'Theory Of Intelligence'

     

  • Dubfore
    4,348 Posts
    Thu, Oct 2 2014 4:48 AM

    The success of WGT had it quoted on the stock exchange last year.  At the launch, some joker shouted FORE', then the greedy bustards went crazy!

  • DakotaDog61
    115 Posts
    Thu, Oct 2 2014 5:23 AM

    Jesus and Moses are playing a quick round. On the third tee, Moses plops his ball straight into the water hazard. He grumbles, and Jesus looks at him and says, "listen, no one is looking, why don't you just part the water hazard like the Red Sea, and play from there?"

    Moses considers this, and agrees. He walks up to the water, spreads his hands apart, the water parts, he walks in and plays his next shot.

    A few holes later, Jesus slices a shot right into another water hazard. He too grumbles. "Listen, Jesus," says Moses, "no one's looking, why don't you just walk out on the water, then dive down, grab your ball and we'll keep playing." Jesus says "sure", and starts to walk onto the water. A few seconds later he sinks like a stone to the bottom. Moses scrambles to pull him to safety. "What happened?" Says Moses? "You sank, you didn't walk!"

    Jesus looks at him and says, "damn, I forgot I have holes in my feet..."

  • SweetiePie
    4,925 Posts
    Thu, Oct 2 2014 5:42 AM

    VamboRools:

    A woman had been taking golf lessons for 4 weeks and she still couldn't hit the ball.  The golf pro teaching her eventually became exasperated and said, "4 weeks and you still can't hit the ball.  You're far too tense. We'll try something different....this should work.   I want you to relax,  imagine you're doing something  that  makes you happy....for instance imagine that you're in the bedroom, not the golf course, and it's not a golf club you're using,  it's your husband's dick."

    So the woman does as he says,  takes her shot,  and hits a perfect 300 yard drive.

    "Wow that's fantastic"  says the golf pro, "now i want you to take another shot........but this time.... take the club out of your mouth !!!!! "

    It is a funny one...I told that joke here several years ago...

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