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Golf Joke Time

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Wed, Jun 29 2011 5:41 PM (39 replies)
  • superchuck
    210 Posts
    Mon, Apr 25 2011 6:42 AM

    An ambulance was dispatched to the local golf course. As the crew arrived they were told that a woman had been hit by a ball on the first tee. 

    While inspecting the injured woman a technician asked the man standing with a driver what had happened.

    "My wife was sitting in the cart watching me hit my drive. Well, I shanked it pretty good. It hit her in the head and she fell out of the cart."

    The tech said, "We've deduced that by the size of the welt on the side of her head, but what about the ball wedged in her butt cheeks?"

    The man sheepishly replied. "That was my mulligan."

  • WigerToods2010
    8,445 Posts
    Tue, Apr 26 2011 10:03 AM

    I probably shouldn't but......

     

    A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

    When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

    When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands penis. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards. 

    The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to the next problem. How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?"

     

    ;o)

     

  • MBaggese
    15,367 Posts
    Tue, Apr 26 2011 10:43 AM

    lol...I'm still laughing WT!

    Even had to tell my wife that one!

  • TarheelsRule
    5,477 Posts
    Tue, Apr 26 2011 12:48 PM

    Jesus and Moses are playing golf at Bay Hill Golf Club in Orlando.  Jesus gets ready to hit on a 160 yard par 3 hole over water.  Jesus asks his caddy what Tiger Woods hits when he plays this hole.  The caddy replies that Tiger hits a 9 iron.

    Jesus asks for his 9 iron and hits the shot short into the water.  He tees up again and once again hits it short and into the water.  Frustrated he starts to walk across the water toward the green.

    The group behind them comes up and sees him walking across the lake, one guy asks 'Who does that guy think he is Jesus Christ?".  Moses replies no he thinks he is Tiger Woods.

    (Old Joke Tiger was put in for Arnold Palmer for the younger WGT players)

  • dchallenger
    545 Posts
    Tue, Apr 26 2011 1:47 PM

    The Club Professional was just closing up the pro shop shortly after dusk one evening when he heard footsteps. Looking up, straining to make out the approaching shape materializing through the darkness, the pro recognized Bob Smith.  Bob's pants were mud-streaked and ripped in several places.  His shirttail was half untucked...his hair a mess.  Sweat was running down his face despite the cool night air.

      Glancing at his watch and realizing Bob's foursome had teed off around noon earlier that day, the pro asked;  "What on earth happened to YOU, Bob?"  Bob drew in a long breath and let it out in an audible sigh and said, "Oh Man!  Ol' Harry McDuff had a heart attack today on the 3rd hole and dropped dead!"

    "Geez", the pro said, knowing Bob and Harry had been close buddies for years, "That must have been rough."

    "You're telling ME?"  Bob exclaimed.  "All day long it was, Hit the ball...drag Harry.  Hit the ball...drag Harry..." 

     

    ...just tellin'

    d.  :)

  • dchallenger
    545 Posts
    Tue, Apr 26 2011 2:02 PM

    ...The next morning back at the pro shop, the Pro had just announced the 10:52 tee time, when in walked a lady.  He noticed that her face was a little red and her eyes were puffy as if she had been crying.   "What can I do for you today", the Pro asked the woman.  "My husband and I had a terrible fight last night and I want to get him a gift to say I'm sorry.  Can you suggest something?", inquired the woman.  "Sure" said the Pro.  "How 'bout one of these gold-plated putters we just got in.  You could even have something engraved on the back?"  The woman replied, "Engraved?....like what?"  The Pro thought for a second and suggested, "Maybe something like, 'Never Up, Never In' ?   "HELL NO!!!", the woman shouted, "THAT'S what the fight was about!!!"

     

    ...just tellin' another.

     

    d.  :)

  • troyronaldson
    382 Posts
    Tue, Apr 26 2011 3:28 PM

    tiger woods condoms "its in the hole"

  • lvietri
    3,326 Posts
    Tue, Apr 26 2011 4:38 PM

    Grandpa, Dad and Son were out for a round one day and they got paired up with a beautiful sexy young lady.   On the first tee they say to her .... "your more than welcome to play with us but ... we have one rule ... we never give advice ... so please don't ask for it .. it's our biggest golf rule."   She agrees and promises to not hold them up.

    So they start playing .. and not only is she as hot as a playboy model .. she'd not a bad golfer .... she's shooting very well ... and as they walk up to the 18th green ... she needs to make a 20 foot putt to break 80 for the very first time.

    Looking at the 3 ... she says ... "I know you have this rule against giving advice but ... I really really want to break 80 .... and I really need some help.    I tell you what ... whoever gives me the best advice on this putt ... I'll take to a motel for a night of fantastic sex."

    Smiling they all agree (imagine that).

    Sonny boy says ... "I think the putt breaks about 4 inches left to right at the end."

    Dad says ... "Not even close son - your reading that all wrong .. it's about 2 inches left to right then at the end comes back about 2 inches right to left.

    Grandpay says ..... "Pick it up ..... It's a gimmee" ..... :)

  • TarheelsRule
    5,477 Posts
    Tue, Apr 26 2011 5:16 PM

    Old age and experience wins once again.   lol

  • IvaThongon
    933 Posts
    Wed, Apr 27 2011 12:39 AM

    sallu4u:

     

    A woman golfer suffers a terrible bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.

    "What happened" asked the doctor.

    "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.

    The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!" 

    OMG...You guys are bad! I literally fell from my chair I started laughing so hard!!!

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