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Golf Joke Time

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Wed, Jun 29 2011 5:41 PM (39 replies)

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aceydeucey

504 Posts

Sat, Apr 23 2011 10:18 AM

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
...
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

DAZZA501

5,972 Posts

Sat, Apr 23 2011 12:01 PM

A man goes to see his local priest

Man: Bless me father for i have used bad language

Priest: Tell me all about it

Man: Well i was playing golf when i hit a tee shot that looked like it was going 300yds when it struck an electric cable and dropped 100yds

Priest: Is that when you swore

Man: No, a squirrel ran out of a bush and snatched my ball and ran away with it

Priest: Is that when you swore

Man: No, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel and flew away with him and my ball

Priest: Is that when you swore

Man: No, the eagle flew over the green and the squirrel dropped the ball 2feet from the hole

Priest: Is that when you swore

Man: No, i missed the F---ing putt

andyson

6,415 Posts

Sat, Apr 23 2011 12:17 PM

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

tonygibbon

14 Posts

Sat, Apr 23 2011 1:13 PM

A man is taken to the A+E dept. at his local hospital with a 9iron wrapped around his neck,two black eyes,a broken nose and his scalp hanging by a thread.

'What the hell happened to you' said the doctor on duty.

'Well. I was playiong golf with my wife,when all of a sudden ,she hit a terrible slice and her ball flew over a fence int a field of cows. Dont worry we'll find that easily I said'.

after 5 minutes of looking round the field I was about to give up,when I spotted a white gleam beneath a cows tail.

I lifted it up and said. 'This looks like yours dear'

And the next thing I know i'm waking up in the ambulance.

b0geybuster

2,574 Posts

Sat, Apr 23 2011 1:30 PM

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Cheers,

b0gey

nickuk

967 Posts

Sun, Apr 24 2011 8:48 AM

b0geybuster:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Cheers,

b0gey

-10,000 xp points!

renniw52

5,385 Posts

Sun, Apr 24 2011 9:46 AM

A man gets on a bus after a round of golf, he has 3 golf balls in his pocket. He notices a blonde across from him staring at the bulge in his pants. He tells her they are golf balls. She goes oh my do they hurt as bad as tennis elbow.