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Golf Jokes

• Kingsbridge 3 Posts

  Sat, Oct 8 2011 1:21 PM

  Hey, I'd like to try this icebreaker, as I don't know a lot of people here..

  Feel free to post your own jokes...

• oilyrag 875 Posts

  Sat, Oct 8 2011 2:20 PM

  LMFAO

   

  at least post a friggin' joke in the thread entitled "golf jokes"

   

   

• MUSTAQBAL1 270 Posts

  Sat, Oct 8 2011 3:42 PM

  A guy is at the driving range having a bad day.
  
  Everything thing he tries to hit he tops, with balls only going about 20' and burning worms the whole way. Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters," If I don't connect with this one, I'm gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!"
  Pro looks at him and says" I don't think you can do it."
  
  "Why not" He asks.
  
  Pro says " I don't think you can keep your head down that long!"

  :)

• golfentwilly 158 Posts

  Sat, Oct 8 2011 4:10 PM

  guy hit a perfect fade to the pin,and yells out.DRIVE TO THE HOLE.the other guy says.thats what your old lady said to me last night

• McPhilish 8 Posts

  Tue, Oct 11 2011 9:49 AM

  Like the jokes. Here's one I have to share with the group. A few others will follow soon.

  Enjoy.

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CADDIE WANTS YOU TO LOSE

  • Your new titanium driver is slathered with bacon drippings and stick-um.
  • He wipes the mud off your ball with coarse #10 sandpaper.
  • You hear him whisper to another caddy that you're a "major league.." something.
  • He suggests you shorten the hole by teeing off over the snake-infested swampland "unless you're a *** willow sissy boy." 
  • As you line up your putt, he does shadow puppets on your pants. 
  • He says he'd like to help you read your putts but he's illiterate. 
  • When you sink a birdie putt, he moans "there goes my bet." 
  • During your swing you hear him feverishly talking on his cell phone, but it's only to the time-recording lady.
  • When you ask him where to aim your next shot, he points to his left breast. 
  • He hands you a driver, 9 iron and putter and tells you "meet me on the next hole and don't mess up!"

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Tue, Oct 11 2011 11:14 AM

  The True Rules Of Golf - Part 1 of 4

  • The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
  • If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  • Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
  • When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  • Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
  • No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
  • Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
  • When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one
    more club or two more balls.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Tue, Oct 11 2011 11:15 AM

  The True Rules Of Golf - Part 2 of 4

  • Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
  • If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead 
    of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank
    a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
  • The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
  • The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
  • If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
  • It's not a gimme if you're still away.
  • Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
  • A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
  • It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
  • Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Tue, Oct 11 2011 11:15 AM

  The True Rules Of Golf - Part 3 of 4

  • Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
  • The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a 
    straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
  • There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the
    way you meant to play it.
  • You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch
    90% of the time.
  • Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  • If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
  • To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Tue, Oct 11 2011 11:16 AM

  The True Rules Of Golf - Part 4 of 4

  • There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top 
    and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
  • Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
  • You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
  • A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  • If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in
    the bunker
  • If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
  • Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Tue, Oct 11 2011 11:21 AM

  Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "how do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed." A guy asked "what if it's pointed straight up?" She said "Then I'll be here at nine o'clock."