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Golf with Gonfission winter 2019 (actually wicked early spring 2019 lol)

Mon, May 6 2019 3:38 AM (108 replies)
  • gonfission
    2,241 Posts
    Sun, Feb 24 2019 6:53 AM


    And AWAY WE GO!

    Those of you old enough will understand that ^^^

    Everything was written up when I returned. It was done in word, and we all know how that turned out. I thank the many peeps that imparted info onto me, about different means of posting pictures.

    With that said, and a hardy high five to Icon, lets roll......

    Mustang & Flamingo (go FLAMINGOS) were two side by side courses. A massive statue of magnificent Mustangs adorned the entry way into Lely, Naples. That is pronounced lee-ligh.

    The pro shop was elevated, and had an iconic picture of Jackie Gleason, with Sam Snead, Hogan, and other greats from time past. Jackie ruled over southern Florida in his day. Thus the dedication to him. I didn't have my cell phone, and I deeply regret that I did not get any pictures of him.


    Flamingo below with its hillatiousness. Is that really a word? it is today...

    No sweat, in the immortal words of the "Terminator", I'LL BE BACK!

    All the courses we played fall under the category of terminator. This was golf at its finest. Playing with the right peeps, just made it over the top. When I find those peeps, I'll let you all know... LOL.  We decided to play the more difficult course, Mustang.

    Flamingo was rolling & undulating terrain. A lot of it.

    We were paired up with Keith, I think. Smart dresser, mediocre golfer, all around nice guy. I think he still regrets hooking up with me... My clothes were a smash in the pro shop, & everywhere else I toddled off too.


    Mikey, however, was in his zone. He imparted the totality of his golf knowledge upon Keith. Keith was very receptive. I took the cart & drove away each time. LOL

    My mind is cluttered quite sufficiently, I don't need any help from anyone on that precipice.

    Mike definitely had a captive audience. I had heard names of times past, when I gave a rats patoot, about the game. His knowledge is so complete, he knows the GD greens keepers names on some of these courses. WTF is up with that?

    This is looking out from the pro shop. Yes, the very same one I went to grab my phone, to take a pic with, but subsequently forgot to take Jackie's pictures with. Talk about a more Ron...


    Yeah, yeah yeah, don't all agree at once. You'll bust the servers.

    Other than rain that day, for about 5 holes, it was rather uneventful. Well, there was one tree that had its designs on my umbrella. Mike & Keith adorned rain gear. I was sporting my flamingo's.

    Wayne wasn't far off when he said I would tape the stuffed ones to myself if I had a wardrobe malfunction. Thank the deities I did not. You'd all go blind...

    This was the course we met Sherry with a "C". or, as she said, "Like Cherri my love" from Stevie Wonder. Speaking of Stevie, I think he could kick my butt quite easily on that course.


    Sherry with a "C" invited me to "get out of my wet clothes". It sucks being monogamous.

    The day cleared up and most of my clubs dried out. I distinctly remember when mike would put his clubs away, he inadvertently neglected to pull the cover over my bag. I still can't decide if this was a ploy to gain a better score, or just his "I give no FOOKS" outlook on life. LMMFAO

    In all fairness to the "Spike", my driver extended up nonsensically far, and the hood kept catching on it. When you're behind, you'll find any excuse in the book to blame your opponent. Amiright? Yeah, you all know who I'm talking about...


    I settled on a simple oversight...

    The tree is on the right side of this picture, that wanted to have its way with me. There is a bridge over the river Kwia, meaning the original everglades, that wanted me in the worst way, when duking it out with the tree branches. Mikey's demise of hurtling off the bridge on his side, was a very real possibility from his point of view.

    That would be the view of the cart heading out of control easterly, on a northbound bridge...

    Don't fook with the everglades, EVER! They put that word (EVER) in there for a reason, I assure you!!

    At this juncture I must point out my awesomeness with everything golf. Keith is in the trap, my ball, if you notice, is sitting on a 15 foot swath of fairway, IN BETWEEN THE TRAPS!

    That white dot in front of Keith, is proof positive I can hit that Beeatch where I want to. I did try for that exact spot. No, my pants are not on fire.... Mikey is up to the left, in the safe zone. Where's the fun it that?

    I thoroughly enjoyed watching Mike impart his wisdom to Keith, about everything golf. Keith was enthralled with the amount of knowledge Mike was spewing. Woops, that slipped out.

    It was honestly enjoyable to see two peeps enjoying the totality of the game. Being mostly deaf, I needed alone time from people yelling at me all day. Serenity now......

    Mustang was an easier course than the first one. I did have its share of sneaky Pete water incursions too. Hard not to, in Florida...

    The brothers cosmonaut of golf.

    This is one of the sneaky Pete water holes. It is constant on the left, however it does come across the fairway from the right over a slight hill. It is designed to forget about the water on the right as it is ever present on the left.

    There is some very sneaky psychology going on down there. It's all lost on me though. ;-)

    Bingo the flamingo was out and about

    Well, here's some deep though going on here. "should I be a MAN, or play it smart"?

    I'll let you all decide...

    The Spike! Live long & prosper, my good man...

    Okay, that's it for Lely, & mustang......

    Next Tiburon

  • alanti
    10,564 Posts
    Sun, Feb 24 2019 9:09 PM

    Brilliant write up was like radio with pictures......

    I too am mostly deaf......well according to my ex.....some doctors or medical "experts" would term it domestic deafness.......

    As for the golf....Mike certainly is a knowledgeable not only can he navigate his way to a golf course......but can also navigate his way around it, whilst imparting the insights of a tour guide..

    Florida, from my limited exposure to Florida golf courses, has one common denominator.....well a few.....water is the primary one.......then lost balls, visit to the pro shop/on course ball vendors selling you back balls other suckers have dunked in their tea and the odd expletive.......

    Water on a golf course has brought tears to the eyes of many a hack golfer......some are known to faint even....just seeing oceans of lakes the size of an ocean.......

    But rumour has it....Mike fainted......not due to the water....but from seeing Joe's golfing attire......I still question that s legal outside of the state of FLA.

  • gonfission
    2,241 Posts
    Sun, Feb 24 2019 10:09 PM

    Wow Alan. That just ices this cake my friend.

    The fact that it's all true is actually scary....

    Lemmy do a short follow-up, with much more to come...




                                                     Aka Greg Normans courses

                                                                  Aka The Shark

    Tiburon was by far the best of the courses. We did miss corkscrew due to in climate weather, so, that has to wait for another south Florida adventure. I doubt it held a candle to Tiburon though.

    Upon arriving at Tiburon, I parked the car under the elevated Gazebo. That's where we met Fred. He opened the back of the SUV and took out the bags and placed them on an elevator. What? It took me two days to figure out how to open the back.

    Remember the mind clutter from Mustang? It follows me everywhere.

    I told him I needed my shoes in the bag. He said everything will be waiting for us downstairs. Hmmmmmm. An elevator ride for my bag, I was astonished at such niceties.

    From the valet (Fred) to the majestic design, this course is magnificent in all its endeavors. The pro-shop, grand staircase, restaurant, and the hostess area, would put anything in Las Vegas to shame. The Newport mansions had nothing on the design of Tiburon's immense, nay, Brobdingnagian design, it was absolutely stunning in detail, for the leviathan it is.

    The man behind the design.

    I went to the putting green while Mike hit the driving range about a 1/4 mile away. He mentioned he could see me plain as day in my outfit from that distance.

    Money well spent.

    I was trying to grasp some semblance of the speed of these greens down here, when all of a sudden I felt a tap on my back. I stood up to my amazement, and saw this sweet Thai chick. Annalise was her moniker of the day. Well, that's being a bit presumptuous, perhaps.

    You'll see why in a moment. I have never had a member of the opposite sex walk up to me without ulterior motives. I think that is part of their genetic make-up, to be brutally honest. Sorry to you few, that may be reading this, however, I've been AROUND!!

    She introduced herself, I reciprocated, and we talked like we had known each other our entire lives. I gotta be me...

    She explained that she married some American douche-bag. I interjected with, "he brought you back to have his own private sex toy". She was not put off one bit folks. She giggled and slapped me on my shoulder. She explained that she brought her family over as well.

    Not out of the ordinary. However, they hated him, & disowned her, and went back to Thailand. I explained that she lost nothing. She had given up everything she knew, to come into the unknown. It takes a special kind of person to have that ability.

    Fewer than you think.

    I asked how she ended up on Tiburon, as she was doing mighty well to be there at all. I guessed sugar daddy. She giggled again. I was right. We laughed. She started plying me for my particulars, where as I told her about my Chinese wife. She smiled, never missed a beat in her line of questioning.

    Which was inclusive of asking me out to dinner. I explained that I was monogamous. G-Damn it! Why does this continually happen to me?? I gave her an Andyson marker with my number on the back of it. Just in case, well, yeah, y'all get it...

    Amiright? LOL

    Always nice to feather a new nest in case an evil storm wipes out the one your living in.


    Mikey rolled up with an inquisitive look on his face. I asked him to take a couple pictures with my phone. It was so bright out you couldn't make out much, and he snapped the starters shed next to us.

    AWESOME! Leave it to Mikey...

    We did end up getting a few of us together after all. That's all that matters...

    Back to the sugar daddy...

    He came & went, leaving her to her designs. Not a bad life, I suppose. He treats her very well, and puts her up in a 7 million dollar condo, course side, top floor.

    She made damn sure I knew which one it was. You know that picture above with the castle? Well, that's her new digs. LMAO

    So there you have it folks. A woman who seems to have everything, still would rather a man with a sense of humor, than boat loads of money. Money comes and goes. Humor is bone deep.

    Of course both would be preferable, faced with only one choice, she was tired of the money, and wanted to get to know someone whose butter fell off their toast...

    Man, I love my life. Looking back on just this one adventure, and then compiling it over a life time, I am one lucky guy.

    Let's go golfing...

    I'm tired. It's 1:00am

    This was purely for alanti's entertainment here. There is a lot more to come. Beautiful pics and a TSA story to beat the band. Also the flight back home was eventful as well.

    More when I wake up...

    Well, that may never happen, so, more when I arise.

  • alanti
    10,564 Posts
    Sun, Feb 24 2019 11:26 PM
    LMAO Joe.......yes, did you have some explaining to do when you got home......."yes darling, I behaved myself......only Mike and I".......then after some frustrating days of grappling with his phone trying to get photos to his computer.......he relented.....and asked his wife to help.

    The look was nearly enough to kill......and when Joe found himself sleeping in the doghouse......he knew he had to do better than his first excuse....which was ummm someone faked that photo (he mistakingly thought she would buy that.....after all, the Chinese perfected the art of fakes....ask any street vendor selling handbags or watches....Goosie sir?) I do have some underwear....Kelvinn Kein......change 20% and bypass copyright laws lol

    Now for Joe.....a true story.....I had a maid....sorry domestic helper in Hong Kong.....nice girl and appeasing to the eye (goes against all the advice I was it will end up badly......)

    She met an american chap when he was on vacation.......and decided she would marry him and move to the US.....and she did.

    I heard from her a couple of times after she left......the last time was life is exactly as it was in Hong Kong......only now I don't get paid......

    But she had a game plan.....residency in the land of the greenback. I hope it worked out for her - she was a great worker.....and a teacher by profession in the Philippines. Doesn't that suck...more money cleaning toilets in HK than teaching at home.....

    Great read again Joe.....and The Shark was one of my idols....but never met him.....which is just as well, as like so many......Greg, tell me what happened at the Masters in '96.....

    Finally.....I am thinking Joe's golf is that bad, he wears outlandish bright clothes so he can be found by a search party when his shots go off-piste.....or his mind wanders....he just wanders off....and was the only way Mike could find him apart from putting a GPS on him......and we all know how those things lie......

  • gonfission
    2,241 Posts
    Mon, Feb 25 2019 4:03 AM

    .yes, did you have some explaining to do when you got home......."yes darling, I behaved myself......only Mike and I".......then after some frustrating days of grappling with his phone trying to get photos to his computer.......he relented.....and asked his wife to help.

    Hey, that's really good Alan. Imma use that one in the future... I found blaming Mike was way easier than I thought......

    the Chinese perfected the art of fakes....ask any street vendor selling handbags or watches....Goosie sir?) I do have some underwear....Kelvinn Kein......change 20% and bypass copyright laws lol

    She brought me home a Louis Viton scarf one time. I didn't know what it was.... WTF? Why would I?

    One bitterly cold February day on cape cod, I wore it to work. Purely functional for me. One of the young workers yelled at me "Hey Joe, why you wearing LV to work"?

    I had no clue what he was talking about. That's the day I found out about LV. Apparently it is worth about $600.00 in 2007 in New York. He wasn't the only one to point it out either. She had everything. (the wife) The Chinese give presents when visiting people. Dinner etc..

    She was an immediate success when she came over. I had no clue, really. LMAO 

    Alan's right, and he did not misspell Kelvinn Kein. That is the give-away that they're fakes. Although the LV was spot on comparing them side by side, you can't tell the difference.

    Now for Joe.....a true story.....I had a maid....sorry domestic helper in Hong Kong.....nice girl and appeasing to the eye (goes against all the advice I was it will end up badly......)

    Well hell yeah, but who cares. She'll look good all the way till the end, eh??

    Funny you say that. My whole life, I judged women by what they would look like, while screaming at me at the top of their lungs, over something utterly stupid, I may do.

    A real possibility......Constantly, I might add

    If they looked good while yelling at me, they were KEEPERS!


    I heard from her a couple of times after she left......the last time was life is exactly as it was in Hong Kong......only now I don't get paid......

    The never ending story... I clean my own home. So, there's that going for my wife. LOL The full body massages every night? I had to cut her back on those. I was actually feeling a bit guilty. I know, who would have thought???

    Greg, tell me what happened at the Masters in '96.....

    LMAO. I wonder how many peeps keep asking that?

    Finally.....I am thinking Joe's golf is that bad, he wears outlandish bright clothes so he can be found by a search party when his shots go off-piste.....or his mind wanders....he just wanders off....and was the only way Mike could find him apart from putting a GPS on him......and we all know how those things lie......

    Oh man! It's twwoo, it's twwoo, In the native tongue of Lily von Schtupp......

    I have been fascinated by the ukulele my entire life. I could round that out above, by becoming a "wandering minstrel" Eh, Eh? 

    Boy, golf with a guy once and he paints you like Leonardo DaVinci painted Mona.

    I can just imagine how that played out.... In a very sultry voice.... Hiiiiii, I'm "a Mona"

    Go ahead with your bad self Leo......

    Great stuff Alan, indeed

    This is comedic gold. Maybe I should tell the real golfing world about this site. Perhaps we all can do some commentary, write ups, on the new younger players.

    Getting paid by golf magazine as an extra source of income, or dare I say, being paid to tour with them, to get the personal stuff they obviously leave out, would sell golf like no bodies business...

    WGT could sponsor me too. Eh?

    What about it Icon? I could cut you in for 5% or so... The head cheese doesn't need to know...





  • drmoose
    3,535 Posts
    Mon, Feb 25 2019 4:28 AM

    " Edge of the seat " stuff, fellers. All I can say is, with ya in spirit.

    Doc :)

  • gonfission
    2,241 Posts
    Mon, Feb 25 2019 6:28 AM

    Let's take a quick look at the TSA, and it's obedient members. I chose "members" for a reason.

    Most of you following this know I had done something to my foot on the outing with mrcaddie, Erik, & Mike, last fall. I was wearing that boot I posted, on & off, ever since.

    Hobbling into Bradley airport in Connecticut, I was given a wheel chair. Mike had the lowly task of wheeling me about. I must say, I was petrified on the slightest slopes. Definitely a good place to get some karma put back on me, should he inadvertently loose his grip.

    Bradley was a cinch. No computers out of the case, no shoes off, just walk on bye...

    Bye Bye now...

    The way it used to be. I know it's hard to believe, but we didn't fall out of the sky in a ball of fire & twisted aluminum.

    The pilot had that dubious duty to himself. I am sure alanti will confirm, there are some skeptically shady characters behind the controls now. Having a bad day? Let's see how far into this mountain we can bury this bird?

    Thankfully the mountainous terrain is almost non existent on the eastern seaboard. Water however, is ever present. Wearing a device on your foot or leg, gets you a front seat, with leg room. Who knew? Wink wink...

    The flight down was uneventful and quick. Sleeping, and valium works wonders. I highly suggest both.

    In Fort Meyers, Palace Glades airport as I used to know it, was a complete different story, and name from when I used to fly in there, in my own toys. That ten year hiatus thing I mentioned earlier, was when it was not RSW.

    Coming home, again, Mike had the dubious task of chauffeuring me about. When approaching the machine you stand in, and wave to God, the elderly gent asked if the boot can come off. I told him if it has to, it will, with prejudice. He laughed.

    He was nice. He said maybe they'll sort it on the other side. He handed me a cane, took my shotgun crutch, (not really) (maybe) I'm not telling, and in I went.

    When I popped out the other side, a late 20 something year old mixed bag, (not racist) approached me and said "You have to take off the boot". They already stole my left sneaker.

    I leaned into him and said, "you know what the best thing about my life is"? "I don't HAVE TO DO ANYTHING, I do what I want"... "Now if you rephrase your question, I may acquiesce to your demonstrative inquiry"...

    I sat down in a hard chair and put my foot on top of my left knee. I gently took of the boot, and handed it to him. He threw it to the x-ray machine. Then he turned to me and went to grab my bare foot.

    I gently grabbed his wrist, and said "You will NOT be touching that foot"! I asked if he thought I drilled a hole in my ankle, and hid some explosives in there? Albeit I am an explosives expert, Imma not gonna blow myself up, so mundanely......

    There's going to be fanfare out the whazoo, when that time comes...

    He looked at me and angrily stated, "Let go of my hand". I reassured him he was NOT going to touch my bare foot. He gave me the hairy eye ball. Well, that's all the confrontation I needed to ask him, if he had a foot fetish?

    Yep, that drove him over the edge, just as I suspected it would. I let his wrist go, and he began shaking his index finger at me while scolding me. I told him if he doesn't stop it, & get it out of my face, I would break it off & shove it up his corn hole. Sorry ladies...

    I explained that a blue shirt & a cotton patch does not give him power over me......

    Apparently he never had anyone say no to him before...

    After he collected himself, he began to scold me again, without the finger, but leaning in, way to close to me. I told him to stop invading my personal space... That was all I could think of at the moment, to push him all the way over the edge.

    I was speaking loudly to him. Remember the deafness thing?

    Well, when in an area of loud intrusive ambient sounds, coming from all directions, into one, half good ear, we need to speak up in order to hear our selves making noise. I speak with a raspy voice.

    All who have met me will attest to that. It helps control the volume until such situations arrive. Wayne, Mike & Erik, will all tell you this. I have a funny feeling Alan knows what I'm talking about as well.

    So, an Amazonian woman approached, let herself inside the "Cow Catcher" banding, and asked if there was a problem. Mr fetish boy looked at me, I gave him the 3 month unshaven eyeball, and he said, "he grabbed my arm".

    She asked, "what do you want to do"? This was his opportunity to adhere to his training, and take me for the obligatory strip search, Alan is so familiar with. Hmmmm, one wonders if it was his choice, when hottie's were on the line.

    A little to the left please..... Now back & forth......Rolls his eyes back, AHHHHHH, thank you...

    I garnish personal info when I'm golfing with someone too... lol

    He stammered, I knew I owned him at that moment. I took my move & explained to the Macedonian, I am deaf, and this guy has NO EXPERIENCE with how to relate to the deaf. Explaining the reason for my loudness.

    She knew he couldn't do anything from that point on. I had some insight for her as what to do with the hermaphrodite...

    I did mention a foot fetish to her. She was repulsed. Mostly thinking of her own size 13 ladies shoes, I suppose. One needs to pick up on these subtleties if your going to stand up for yourself, in a world controlled by fear mongers.

    I'm on top of that heap folks. LMMFAO Yessirrey, you have to know your opponents weakness. Then you plant the seed, and watch them beat themselves up for you. I learned that at a very young age.

    She had had enough, of a futile battle with me. No sense in going to war with intelligent peeps.

    Now Mikey was ALL THE WAY DOWN at the end of the x-ray belt, with his back to all this. Wicked smart guy...

    Oh, wait. Mr, Tweak had approached a grandmother & her granddaughter standing near us, and promptly exclaimed to them, "If you're traveling with this man, you need to get him under control"! He scared the skin off these peeps.

    When he turned to me, I said "They are NOT with me, & you owe them an apology"!!

    That is what sank his dingy, when I told the "she hulk" he had done that, to those poor defenseless women, she took notice of them.  Don't engage me, unless you want to wage war, and are willing to die for your silly ineptness...

    So, I had to yell to Mikey, "MIKE, THROW ME MY SNEAKER".  he complied and whipped my sneaker over the heads of a 1/2 dozen people. DANG, I love that guy.......

    I was packed into the wheel chair facing away from the Tweaker & the Hulktress. When the Mikester, swung me around, the Tweaker was no longer on the line...

    That's how you deal with the TSA!!!



    PS. Still not going to work. Screw em!

    When they find the finest speck of respect, I may rethink it. I can build off of a speck...




  • WigerToods2010
    8,446 Posts
    Fri, Mar 1 2019 2:40 AM


    Speaking of Johnny, has any1 seen Wiger ????

    Speak of the devil.... Nurse Ratchet has had me locked up in solitary for a few weeks - till I escaped the other day through a smashed window.


    Not me

    I often have conflabs with him but not recently as i was "cutting back" on here

    Plus he doesnt love me no more 

    ( @ ) ( @ )

    Never did love ya - was strictly friends with benefits as agreed!

    Just pouring a stiff drink (whisper it - liquid Viagra between you and I) and about to settle down and have a read at what I've missed here re Joe & Co's golfing adventures.

    ♫ "All around all of the guys call HIM flamingo...." ♫

  • WigerToods2010
    8,446 Posts
    Fri, Mar 1 2019 3:59 AM

     I've read through a ream of pages - after waiting half an hour - that just have to be up there with the very best  prose to grace these here forums.

    You paint such a superbly vivid picture of the gang's travels, Joe, absolute joy to read, from the Maid in China revelations through to Mr. Tweak's foot fetish and the visits to the various courses at the heart of your travels.

    Thanks for sharing y'all.


  • BeachedMulligan
    1,238 Posts
    Fri, Mar 1 2019 12:14 PM

    This was a pretty good read guys. Not sure how i stumbled upon this, but Mustang and Flamingo are both about a mile drive from my house. Both are pretty fair courses that are certainly target golf, bunkers and water are in play on almost every shot but fairways are pretty wide. 

    Tiburon has two courses, both of which are likely Top 10 courses here in Naples. I assume by your attire you played the easier of the two courses, the Black course? :) The other course is where the Greg Norman shootout is, and is pretty challenging. The Gold Course.  

    Looks like you had a good time, and again i got a good chuckle reading. Cheers.