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Laugh until you cry

Mon, Jun 17 2019 12:48 AM by dchallenger. 20 replies.
  • BogeyOne United States
    1,041 Posts
    Sun, May 12 2019 11:28 AM

    Mary was driving down the street when her vehicle was struck from behind by another. That driver quickly got out and asked Mary, "Are you alright?"  Mary replied, "I don't know yet.  I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."

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  • gonfission United States
    1,427 Posts
    Sun, May 12 2019 12:20 PM

    An old biker decided to get another motorcycle for his collection. Reading the paper, he noticed an antique for sale. Went to see what the story was...

    Arriving, he saw an older guy. They talked about the perfect shape it was in. The biker asked how the old timer kept it so new. The elder, pulled out a small tin of Vaseline from his jeans pocket, held it up and said, "Every time I see the clouds coming, I rub some of this all over the paint & chrome"...

    A price was agreed upon. The old timer threw the tin at him, and said, "Here, keep this, I have no need anymore".

    The biker had a friend bring him back to get the bike. Arriving home, the bikers girlfriend returned at the same time. The GF said, "Let's take it to dinner at my parents" for the first ride...

    Biker reluctantly agreed... The chick told him to make sure he doesn't talk during dinner. "If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes"... On the way into the house, she reminded him again....

    DON"T TALK DURING DINNER!!

    Looking around, the biker saw dishes EVERYWHERE! In the living room, up the stairs, down the hallway, EVERYWHERE!

    Having sat down and summing up the nights events of silence at the table, the biker got the carnal urge... He grabbed his girlfriend and began copulating with her right at the table, in his chair...

    Finishing, he sat down, and sure enough, no one said a word......

    Catching his breath, he looked at the mother & figured, what the heck......

    Grabbing the mother, he threw her up on the table, wickedly bonking her. Looking around, no one said a word. He thought this was great...

    Sitting down, he was scanning the table... He looked over the fathers shoulder and noticed out the window, some clouds were forming.

    He stood up and pulled out the tin of Vaseline......

    The father stood up and said...

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    SCREW THIS! I'LL DO THE DAMN DISHES!!

    ----------------------<*{{{{{-(

     

     

     

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  • craigswan United Kingdom
    14,717 Posts
    Sun, May 12 2019 1:09 PM

    A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

    A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

    but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

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  • gherkinhead1 Australia
    184 Posts
    Sun, May 12 2019 2:25 PM

    2 peanuts walking down the street,  one was assaulted.

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  • BogeyOne United States
    1,041 Posts
    Mon, May 13 2019 10:16 AM

    And the other one sneezed. . .CASHEW !

     

     

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  • Ducati916 United Kingdom
    1,096 Posts
    Mon, May 13 2019 11:23 AM

    My favorite golf joke.

    A husband and wife were out on the course playing their usual Friday round and on the 5th hole Fred walked to the mens tee while his wife Susan walked the 30 yards ahead to the womens tee. Fred teed up his ball, and trying to get a little extra yardage, swung really hard and hit a low line drive slightly off to the right and struck Susan in the side of the head. She dropped to the ground instantly. The ambulance was called but unfortunately, Susan passed away. About 3 days later, Fred received a call from the coroner with the autopsy results. "Fred, as we expected, Susan died from blunt force trauma to the head from the golf ball...but, we also found a Titleist Pro V 1 golf ball lodged in her behind"  Fred said..."well, yeah...that was my provisional"

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  • DoctorLarry United States
    1,975 Posts
    Mon, May 13 2019 11:35 AM

    Ducati916:
    Fred said..."well, yeah...that was my provisional"

    The next day, Fred was back at the golf course - alone - so the owner asked why he was alone.  Fred said "Well, you know my wife died a few days ago, right?"

    Owner:  "Yes, I know and am sorry - why aren't some of your friends playing with you?"

    Fred:  "Well, they are all at the funeral and.................."

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  • Ducati916 United Kingdom
    1,096 Posts
    Mon, May 13 2019 12:01 PM

    DoctorLarry:

    Ducati916:
    Fred said..."well, yeah...that was my provisional"

    The next day, Fred was back at the golf course - alone - so the owner why he was alone.  Fred said "Well, you know my wife died a few days ago, right?"

    Owner:  "Yes, I know and am sorry - why aren't some of your friends playing with you?"

    Fred:  "Well, they are all at the funeral and.................."

    badumbum...thanks folks, DoctorLarry and I will be here all week...lol

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  • frappefort Canada
    3,981 Posts
    Mon, May 13 2019 12:23 PM

    A beer  truck  turned over on its side wile turning a street, when asked what happened to the driver  he said   We made a mistake  we loaded all the light beer on one side .

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  • craigswan United Kingdom
    14,717 Posts
    Mon, May 13 2019 12:31 PM

    One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

    "Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

    Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

    Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

    Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

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