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Re: Laugh until you cry

Mon, Jun 17 2019 12:48 AM (20 replies)
  • DoctorLarry
    4,275 Posts
    Mon, May 13 2019 2:54 PM

    craigswan:
    Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

    That reminds me - 

    Woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot not sanitary.

    (Say it out loud!)

  • ScottHope
    10,012 Posts
    Mon, May 13 2019 3:17 PM

    conjunctivitis.com

    "a site for sore eyes".

    attr Tim Vine.

  • craigswan
    30,837 Posts
    Wed, May 15 2019 12:21 AM

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
    A: We both do.

    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.

    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

  • fireball84094
    355 Posts
    Wed, May 15 2019 8:24 AM

    The Swedes wife stepped to the tee box and as she bent over to place her ball on the tee, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear. "Good God. woman!  Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded.

      "Well you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." She replied.

    The Swede immediately reached into pocket and said. "For the sake of decency, here's

    $50.00. Go buy yourself some underwear."

     

      Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also flew up to show that she, too wearing no undies.  "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman ! "You've no knickers, Why not?  She replied "I can't afford any on the little money you give me.!"  Patrick reached into his pocket and said. "For the sake of decency, here's a $20.00, go out and buy yourself some underwear!"

     

    Lastly, the scotman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she, to is naked.

     " Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie!

    Where the friggen hell are your drawers?!"

       She to explained you denna give me enough money to be able to affarrd any"

       The Scotman reaches into his pocket an said." Well fer the love of decency, here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit.

     

  • BogeyOne
    1,961 Posts
    Fri, Jun 14 2019 9:59 AM

    Fellow bowls a 300 game. Friends asked him how he did it. He responds, "I didn't have time to spare."

  • craigswan
    30,837 Posts
    Fri, Jun 14 2019 10:23 AM

    Benjamin Franklin proposed to “rearrange” the alphabet in the United States, removing the letters C, J, Q, W, X and Y.

    A similar thing was proposed over here by William Pitt. He wanted to remove a,e,i,o and u from the alphabet.

    It was known as his irritable vowel syndrome.

    Aktually.

  • gherkinhead1
    245 Posts
    Sat, Jun 15 2019 10:19 AM

    I always mistake the letter C for a B.

     

    I'm a silly Bunt.

  • dchallenger
    545 Posts
    Sat, Jun 15 2019 9:15 PM

    Nearly an hour past sunset, the course Pro was just locking up the Pro Shop for the night when he heard cleats on the concrete approaching from behind.  The Pro turned around to find member Fred stumbling up the walkway out of breath, hair all messed up, shirt tail hangin' out, all dirty and sweaty.  "What the hell happened to you, Fred?", the Pro asked.  "Ah Geez!  You wouldn't believe it but old Harry dropped dead of a heart attack on the 3rd tee this morning."  "Oh My God!  That's terrible!", exclaimed the Pro. "That must've been rough!".  "You're telling me!?!", Fred replied, "All day long it was; 'Hit the ball...drrrag Harry.  Hit the ball...drrrag Harry....Hit the ball....."

     

    (old school joke. hence, 'cleats on the concrete')

  • craigswan
    30,837 Posts
    Sun, Jun 16 2019 2:44 AM

    Actually ,

    I went to the doctor’s office last week to get a double dose of Viagra.

    The doctor told me that he couldn’t allow me a double dose. “Why not?” I  asked .

    “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” I  said .

    “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

     I told him, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

    The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

    On Monday, I  dragged himself in; my arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”

      “No one showed up.”.

  • craigswan
    30,837 Posts
    Mon, Jun 17 2019 12:21 AM

    The Tour de Donut is an Illinois bike race in which cyclists get 5 minutes taken off their time for every donut they eat en route.

    Presumably they race around a ring, get stuck in the odd jam and have a glazed look by the end?...

    “Sir, you ate forty-two donuts, that means you finished the race four hours before you started.”

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